Homes for Butterflies

So I need to make up for the crappy ass blogs I’ve had the past… two or three times. I’m usually not this down about myself. And after walking around, taking a shower, and listening to some music, I do feel better. I had a nice talk with God asking Him to guide me, to protect me, to protect Harriet. I even talked to Him about Appastar and how I want nothing but the best for every single one of those guys.

God.

There’s a subject I don’t discuss too much. It’s not that I’m afraid to or I don’t want to… just can’t say the opportunity has arisen to do so! I’m very close to Him. He’s blessed me beyond belief. He made me run into Harriet. He made Allen seek me out. He made Glenn ask me about Final Fantasy sophomore year. He made me tell John Final Fantasy VII was the best game ever. He made me pick up a bass, He made me ambitious, He made me emotional, He made me successful; God has made me everything I am.

At mass the other day I finally figured out why I detest mass so much. It’s because I get nothing out of it. A majority of people go so they can feel closer to God, so they can feel like they’re doing Him service. I don’t feel that way… because I’m in constant dialogue with Him. God never leaves my mind, my thoughts, my heart, my feelings. He’s always there. The voice inside my head isn’t just me, it’s Him. We’re pals, best buds. In fact, He plays jokes on me too. They’re crude jokes, but funny in the end. He loves to like… tease me. He sets things up for disaster, like my world is gonna fall apart, and I always get real scared! But then everything gets put into perspective right before the shit hits the fan, and things actually get better, to be honest.

I love you, God. Don’t forget that. Because I know I won’t.

Ahhh, I’m listening to Shine over and over by AD. It’s really such a happy song. It’s finally putting me back into high spirits.

Hm, my mother and I… we’re starting this new thing called… bonding. I’m making the greatest effort possible to be more open with her… and while I’m kinda failing, the little progress I’ve made has been good. This morning while she was wrapping up my toe again, I was very gentle with her and patient, and said thank you quite a few times before she left. We may clash, we may like, never see eye to eye, and quite frankly, she drives me up a wall almost all the time. But I love her. I do. I have to love her somewhere deep in my heart or I really am the coldest sonofabitch on this planet. But I know that statement isn’t true… cuz well… Allen was just online. Damn. We really don’t talk enough.

It’s weird. Even though I talk to him almost every day and see him at least once a week, it just isn’t enough. Over X-mas break I’ve seen him more than I have in a long time, and I absolutely love it. I was kinda forgetting how much of a friend he is… how much he is totally my best friend.

That’s the thing about my life. It’s so unstable. I’ve explained this many a times, but it bears repeating. I don’t have that friend who’s been there all my life. I don’t have that friend who’s been there for even PART of my life. The people closest to me have been apart of my life for less than 3 years. I met Glenn and John sophomore year. I met Harriet in fucking August. I only became close to Allen last November. Then there’s Judd, Tim, and Chris. And even Pat, I’d like to consider a good friend… all these people I’ve known for only a little more than a year, basically less. Yet their impact is heavy. Every person I just mentioned has changed me. They’ve all completely changed my outlook. For so long I’d become content with the fact that a friend will enter my life and leave just as quickly. It’s how things were going for so long. It was like I had a shelf-life… like I was completely disposable. But now I’ve got friends and lovers who make me feel like I’m worth a damn. Allen and I always talk about being together forever- making music together forever. John and I both openly admit to staying in contact, no matter how convinced we were that we’d leave highschool with no one to remember. I haven’t told her, but I certainly vow to never lose contact with Harriet. I don’t know about Glenn, we’ve never really discussed it, but I at least know I’ll never forget him.

I need to watch Kikujiro. I want to share the amazingness of that movie with some people as well. I want Harriet to see it ever so badly. I especially want Allen to see it. Kikujiro is this amazing trip through Japan that I know him and I will just melt over while watching. That movie makes me so… happy. It reminds me of the innocence in life. The purity of everything amidst the tarnish. That’s kind of how I’m acting lately… I just feel bogged down by things out of my control.
But uhm, yeah. Japanese entertainment. It really is just so much better than anything I’ve witnessed before. It seems like Japanese filmmakers tread in waters most American personalities won’t go. I could never find a riveting movie like Dolls in America. I could never find such a mature tale like Kikujiro told as it is in an American cinema. I could never find a show like Fooly Cooly, or witness a deep story like Mushi-Shi, or even find such a creative program like Samurai Champloo in America. Japanese writers, filmmakers, directors, etc. etc… they’re not afraid of real life. They’re not afraid of showing life just as it is and showcasing emotions everyone feels.

Some people have accused me of being artificial. “You can open up to a computer, but not people?” That’s totally not how it is with this blog. I blog to remember my thoughts. I don’t blog to admit confessions and keep secrets. I blog so I can remember how I felt, how things happened, when they happend, etc. etc. My dad encourages me often to make sure I keep a journal or SOMETHING to make sure I don’t forget my teenage years like he has… so I do. Anything said here is not a secret. Everything said here is something I could easily bring up with a person if they were in front of me.
I hate that though… I’ve been judged a lot in my life. People like to make assumptions about me. I couldn’t tell you why… but they do. People read too much into my words, or think too much about what I say.

If I blog I must be shy.
If I write music I must be emo.
If I’m religious I must be lame.
If I play video games I must be addicted.
If I like movies I must be bored a lot.

I’ve gotten all kinds of accusations against me for the dumbbbest reasons. But hey, s’all good.

Anyways, how about I just call it quits right now?
I haven’t written like this in a long time… with my head straight, my emotions clear, my conscience okay.

So yeah, closing notes.
Life throws a lot of curveballs at yo- wait… I don’t like baseball. Let’s go with a different metaphor. Well… let’s just say sometimes in life there are a lot of obstacles. But God has blessed each and every one of us with the abilities to overcome those obstacles. So do it! I know I’m going to.

Smile. It’s good for you.