Hard To Do

It’s really going to be so difficult going back to school.  I do so much with my time off, when that freedom gets taken away, it hurts like hell.  It also hurts like hell to be here in America.  Allen sent me a little link to this thing called Destination Japan that’ll take care of this incredible tour for us… and fuck.  Reading through that made me a little worried… because I know that when we go, there’s no way in hell I’m gonna want to come back.  The only reason I’ve got to stay in America is Harriet.  Family’s not the issue.  Family definitely isn’t the issue.  Today I realized how underappreciated I am in this family.  My mom and I went to visit Mrs. Dwyer and we all chatted for a while.  The whole time we heard tons of stories of her kids and other gets getting tickets from the police for breaking curfews, being drunk, DUI’s, and all kinds of crap.  My mom witnessed first hand about other kids and the things they do.  All these things that… I don’t.  The most my mom worries about me is whether or not I’m home early enough so that she can go to sleep.  Which I’m never home more than an hour later than projected, generally… and that’s if I’m late.  And I dunno, my mom just really has no clue about me and what my gifts are.  Mrs. Dwyer read the card I gave to her for Christmas and got a little emotional.  All it said was, “Mrs. Dwyer- I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I trust 2008 will bring you many blessings. Love always, Stephen”.  She asked me if I was “always so nice”.  Mom really has no clue about the kind soul I really am.  And.. it’s kind of rightfully so.  I always seem so tense and bitter aroudn her, because I am.  Because that’s who she is.  Any time I’m anti-social, judgmental, or cold- I’ve learned all about that from her.  Today she dropped me off at Panera to get some food.  She was like “Here, take some cash.”  Without even looking at her I said, “I’ve got it” and walked out of the car.  I’m so bent on being independent from her.  It’s not so I can make any point… it’s just that, when the time comes for me to go to college and have a life on my own, I want to know that I can live without her.  Despite all the negativity I feel towards her, I’m not stupid.  She’s my mother.  Whether I want to realize or not, she supports me 110%… and I need to know for myself that I’m not relying on that support.  I need to know for myself that I can live life on my own.  That doesn’t mean I want to be alone though.  That just means I want to be able to carry on without my family.  However, if yesterday taught me anything, it’s that I need Harriet in my life.  She really is my best friend.  And I think every time I tell her that I love her, the word gets more powerful.  Part of the reason I don’t want break to end is so that I can keep seeing Harriet like this.  I don’t want to face school and have to subjugate myself to awkward hallway conversations (hallway conversations are a very awkward thing for me.. lemme tell you lol).  I just want to keep being free with her…

Speaking of though: I’d better see Harriet today or tomorrow so we can end break with a bang.  I’m already getting depressed as hell about going back, there’d better be one last piece of amazingness to make me feel okay about returning.

Booya!