I feel so very off today.
I don’t want to go away for three days on logos.
I really, really don’t…
blurp
February 28, 2008 at 6:14 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: four day weekend, logos
Good Vibes
February 27, 2008 at 7:18 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: age, health, mom, rules, sickness
There’s so much beauty in my life…
I can feel it stronger today than I’ve felt it in a long time.
I feel a bit overwhelmed with the work I’m going to have to make up… but I think I can do it all if I just take it easy. I’m especially worried about deficiencies… am I getting any? How many? Will they be affecting my social life because mom wants to punish me for sucking? That last bit is the only reason I care about deficiencies. I just want to always be free. I want to be the sole commander of my life and let no one tell me what to do. My gosh, if I had no boundaries set up for me by my parents, my life would be ten times the great adventure it already is. I’d have no reason to be at home ever… I’d always be off at other people’s houses, seeing movies, going places… the only reason why I ever go home after school is because I have to. Because I need to “study”. My thought is… I don’t study in the first place, so why do I need to be home? At least let me have people over then. Allow me to just live my life the way I desire without you asking questions! Whenever I say, “Well ’so and so’ never has to do that,” or whatever, mom’s response is always, “It’s cuz his parents don’t care about him.” Who is she to fucking judge? Just because parents give their kids freedom does not mean they don’t care. Maybe it means they care enough to treat them like adults. In fact, I’m quite excited about turning 18. I’m a legal adult. Granted, I’ll still follow my parents’ rules and stuff… but there are going to be some factors in my life that can change because it’s just like, “Okay, Stephen’s not 15 anymore… I’m 18. An adult. about to graduate.”
*sigh*
This blog is pointless. As are most of my posts.
Wish me luck with today. Although I’m very optimistic for it all, I’ve still got a bit of worry in the back of my head.
No Dead End In Sight
February 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm (Uncategorized)
It was 2:20 when I woke up. At that moment I realized I was comfortable… I’d slept… I felt good. I finally turned the sounds back on to my cell phone, so if anyone needed to reach me, they could. Then, as if it were a symbol I really was okay, Allen called and my life felt back on track. I heard a familiar voice, discussed familiar things- I had interaction with the outside world! My blinds are open and I dunno, I just feel good. I’ve still got a tickle in my throat, but mentally and emotionally I feel grand, and I wanted to write about that. Wanted to clear away all the negativity I’ve written about previously.
I guess now I’ll go play Devil May Cry 4 and watch Ergo Proxy…
ya heard!
I guess the only way for this day to get better is if soccer practice is cancelled again and Harriet comes over and we watch the Darjeeling Limited!… but that won’t be happening. That’s asking for wayyy too much :-p
The Complaintor
February 26, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: apollo's dream, appastar, harriet, patapon, Romancing The Angels, sickness, the darjeeling limited, what's good for you
I haven’t felt like myself for the past few days now. Friday i was beaming with joy after such a wonderful day!… but you never wouldda known because I was so sick and exhausted- the best I could do was talk in a low tone and give a smile that made you want to believe I truly was happy. Saturday was the same deal: I went to the movies with Dad, spent the afternoon with Harriet, and went to dinner with Steven… but it was so hard to show that I really was content, that I was happy. Sitting in Harriet’s room watching her finger through old art samples and works was quite interesting to watch… but I’ll tell ya, it was so hard to look engaged because I was so focused on breathing properly and ignoring the pains in my head. Sunday came… and it was better. But that night took a huge turn for the worse, sadly. And then yesterday I was such a recluse, so alone. Harriet, God bless her soul, stopped by, though. I loved that. I couldn’t say much. I really was pretty sick. But I loved seeing her. Yet… the problem is still there: I wasn’t myself. And now today, the second day off from school and the fourth day away from people… I feel so detached. I feel rather alone. I mean, it’s no one’s fault. Not even mine, really. I have to stay home or Logos this weekend is gonna be hell (being sick during a retreat doesn’t sound good to me…). But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel incredibly alone.
I really do miss being with those whom I love. Today I contemplated going to school merely because I wanted to see Harriet. I didn’t realize how much I value seeing her within school until yesterday happened… and now staying home today happened. It’s kinda like the first time I discovered how much I value her…
Rather quickly we got into a routine of walking together from lunch to 7th period when we first became friends. We’d then always talk a little bit after school too. Every day it was like this. But the day she was gone… when she went away to England for a week… I realized just how much I missed seeing her and talking to her. Without really knowing it, I’d become quite attached. Now here I am realizing it yet again… I guess I take it for granted that I see her every day at school. Well, no… I don’t take it for granted. But I guess up until today, I didn’t realize how much I enjoy it.
Yeah. That’s it.
But yeah. It seems I write about Harriet often, don’t I?
I suppose it’s fitting. She’s absolutely wonderful towards me. Who was there for me almost every day when I couldn’t leave the house because of my toe? She was. Who has asked me a hundred times “how are you feeling” since I first mentioned being sick on friday? She has. Who visited me yesterday after school? She did. Who has seen Appastar, Apollo’s Dream, AND Romancing the Angels live? She has. She has been everything I need in a partner and so much more. I don’t toss around the word “love”. I save it for the people who I actually mean it with. And I try and tell Harriet every day that I love her.
Well, I’m taking a while to write this blog, so my thoughts keep changing and stuff… I feel really good right now. The baby my mom was watching is gone (thus she’s done crying her head off cuz she hates her formula) and I’m ensured a good lunch since mom will go out for me and I’ll be getting Patapon and the Darjeeling Limited (I think?), so rock on!
I dunno, I just really really need to rest today and configure my life. It got a little disorganized over the weekend thanks to being so out of it…
3:30
February 25, 2008 at 3:48 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: cold, delusions, harriet, loneliness, mentality, sickness, sweating, theraflu, vitality
Friday night I was freezing while sleeping even though I had a longsleeve thermal on and two comforters over me.
Saturday night I was completely delusional and in pain the whole night.
Now it’s Monday morning, 3:36AM to be exact and I’m having the worst night of sleep yet again: I keep having unsettling dreams and waking up to cold sweats which make me feel so uncomfortable and leave me shivering unctrollably.
I hate this. I hate it so much. Why can’t I just have a normal cold? Whatever I have is so much more than a cold… it’s fucking with my mind and making my body incredibly weak. The pain that was in my head all day Saturday and for most of Sunday is gone… that’s nice. And my throat doesn’t hurt either! But… my left ear hurts like someone’s been sitting on it, bending it for an hour… and I can’t sleep worth a damn. I’m supposed to be resting and I can’t do a thing of the sort.
I just made some nighttime theraflu… maybe that’ll solve some problems?
Dad doesn’t think so. He woke up because he wants to know why I keep moving around at night (Friday night I got up like, 4 different times to get a glass of juice because my throat got so dry and tonight I got up once to go all the way in the bsaement to sleep ((which was colder than anything in the world and didnt help)), then I woke up again to come back upstairs, and then I woke up again to make myself this theraflu. As evidenced, I’m not doing very well) and when I told him about my cold sweats he looked alarmed and was like, “Why are you getting those?” I told him I didn’t know why. He put his hand to my forehead and said it wasn’t a fever… So I preceded to tell him about my nighttime concoction saying, “I dunno, I figured maybe tihs would help.” He turned away and said, “I doubt it. You’re probably overmedicated and it’s throwing your body out of whack.”
Yeah. That sounds decently plausible.
But I haven’t really taken much… Saturday night and last night I drank my tylenol cold sore throat shit. I had maybe three or four doses of tylenol cold medicine since Friday. and I’ve taken two airbornes and drank 3 theraflu dealies (including this one). That’s all over the course of three days and all spaced out nicely. Oh, I also took a lot of aspirin for what it’s worth… but I really made sure to space everything out.
I dunno, I keep joking that I’m “dying”… but shit. I swear that sometimes it really feels like it. I’m miserable. I felt so lonely all day yesterday because my mind just keeps being so negative, as if they weren’t my own thoughts at all. when I saw Harriet I had plenty to say… but plenty “not” to say either… I just wanted to look at her and be happy to be next to her, knowing she’s in my life. I was in one of those moments of quiet awe. Then when we parted I still felt great. I felt… happy. And then I finished my errands, went home, fell asleep, woke up, and the misery returned. I started feeling defeated again for a thousand and one different reasons. But whenever Harriet asked me how I was feeling, I kept telling her, “Good.” Because my body felt good. And I knew I had no reason to feel bad! But for some reason my mind wanted to keep telling me differently.
This is such a mental game and I’ve never faced anything like it before.
I’m delusional. I really am. I’ve never felt this before. And it’s… I dunno, scary may not be the right word… but just like my dreams for the past three days, it’s wildly unsettling.
Okay. Theraflu is gone.
Let’s try sleeping again.
