Finding Self

I wish I knew where my head was.  I can’t get it together anymore.  I know what I want.  I know what I feel.  But I can’t convey my thoughts through words or actions.  I seem expressionless. 

I’m a walking manakin.

Maybe it’s because I’m sick. ((or maybe that’s just an excuse))
Maybe something is eating at me on the inside and I’m slowly emotionally dying.  I need a really good day, I think.  Despite how amazing my weekend was, it was also incredibly emotional/crazy.  I need a day that is just really good… nothing that bothers me, nothing that conflicts me.

Harriet seems so tired both physically and emotionally.  I wish I could do something for her, but I can’t.  All I can do is be there for her and hope that’s enough.  Within the halls of Benet I can’t just hold her close or give her a quick kiss- it just doesn’t happen/feels weird.  Danny gave her a hug the other day… I wish I would have done so.  But it’s like… it seems weird if I do it, because that hug means something so much more.  When Danny hugged her it was just a hug from a friend.  I feel if I give her one I’m being watched, when other people see me doing it it’s almost uncomfortable for them to see.  Know what I’m saying?  I shouldn’t care… but I do.  I hate PDA.  And even an intimate hug seems a bit too much within the halls of Benet.  If it were just like, with some friends or something, I’d give her a hug no doubt.  It’s the PDA WITHIN the school that is so annoying.  So… I dunno.  It’s just really hard for me to be me around her in school… and we have this problem every week.  I love her too much.  And she loves me too much.  We don’t know how to be normal around each other.  We only know how to be so in love.  And while at school… it’s difficult to act that way.  So in turn… it’s difficult to act as ourselves.

I just need Friday to come. 

I want to write a really pretty song.  I’ll go work on that later, methinks.

I can’t believe it’s already 6.  I guess I’ll go.  Maybe I’ll find myself along the way.