I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to survive these next two weeks of my life. These are the last weeks Harriet is here and mom is officially going nuts restricting me from doing everything. All I want to do is be with her and I’m gonna be denied that privilege hardcore. I’ll begin my sulking and depression now.
Tales of a Lamester (Who’s Not Really That Lame)
July 20, 2008 at 8:49 am (Uncategorized)
To think its been seven days since my last blog. I’ll tell you what… it sure hasn’t felt like seven days. but then again… I’m not sure what it feels like at all. It’s all this glorious blur. Time hasn’t flown by nor has it been slow. It’s been just right. It’s been fulfilling. Just about every day is spent the way I want it to be. Friday was probably one of the greatest days of my life.
I woke up next to Harriet. We made love in the morning and took a shower then went to breakfast. Afterwards we laid out a blanket on the grass in a park and slept a little more outside in the shade. From there we parted ways and I went to pick up Allen. We went to Mitsuwa and bonded hardcore. We made lunch: eel over rice and drank sake together. Then we played Halo and just fooled around for a while. We packed up for our show, WENT to the show, drank more sake, and just bided our time before our performance. Everyone who showed up was awesome: including my bandmates. We were all having a good time. Then it was back home, drop off the car, drop of Allen, and go to Harriet’s for another sleepover. It was perfect, I tell you. Seeing her smile at me wearing nothing but a robe looking as relaxed and content as I’ve ever seen her made me so happy. Then as we lied down we were both so tired and decided to not just relax… but just go to sleep. And then we were out for the entire night.
Fuck blogging. I’m not in the mood.
Ready Steady Go
July 13, 2008 at 8:30 pm (emotions)
Tags: harriet, martinek, mom
Freedom. I don’t have any. I don’t have any real freedom, it seems. Not to be able to do what I want to do. There’s a lot right now I’d love to complain about… but the biggest problem is my freedom. I just told mom the Martinek’s invited me over to spend the day with them. Her response was, “The whole day?” “Yeah. And stay for dinner.” “Stay for dinner? THat’s an awful long time.” She proceeded to mention how she needs to now call Mrs. Martinek to make sure it’s okay + find out exxactly where I’m driving to because it’s “so far/uncharted territory.” So that’s retarded. I’m 18 years old. You know as well as I do how retarded that is. But here’s the real problem with this: I can’t have my mom call because I was over at the Martinek’s yesterday for a FAMILY PARTY from 3:20-9 o’clock. I’m not gonna have mrs. martinek lie about me to my mom… that’s not the impression I want at all. So now I just don’t know what to do as far as going over to the Martinek’s.
Gosh. I didn’t even try to make a good impression, i was just myself at that party and they all absolutely adored me: everyone in that family loves me. And I mean loves me. Erik wanted to sit next to me. Monika was always asking me if I needed something and seeking my attention. The grandpa told me I gave him hope for humanity. I didn’t feel threatened by the father one bit, in fact, I liked him a whole lot and I think the feeling’s mutual. I dunno. My thoughts are fucking everywhere. Point is… I’m not doing well right now. I feel out of place in my own home. I only feel safe in my room. Even in the comfort of my basement it just isn’t really comfort… it doesn’t feel right for me. I feel like I’m somewhere I don’t belong. I can’t wait to be out of here.
Today Is a Present
July 7, 2008 at 10:41 pm (emotions)
Tags: california, harriet, music, pablo, people, phone calls, Romancing The Angels, RTA, skadoosh, steal the sky, texting
So I’m in california. Been so since last Thursday. I had no desire to post any blogs while I was away… didn’t even want to now! But shit, I’m just so bored and had some thoughts I wanted to share. First of all: gosh I love the people who don’t live in Chicago. I’m talkin about Jimmy, Adam, Tayler, Vicky. They’re just awesome people who love talking to me so much and I love talkin to them. Vicky called me today and hearing her voice was just awesome. I love that girl so much. And Tayler and I were textin for a bit… she makes me smile hardcore. And Jimmy of course always lets be an asshole and I enjoy that. And Adam always makes me feel good about myself. The sad part is I never see these people… even though they’re some of the closest people to my heart.
Here are the people I miss from Chicago, officially: DJ, Mike, Holly, Natalie, Judd, and Harriet. From texts to different people and a few phone calls, its those people who have made me happiest while away. DJ’s texts make me laugh so hard… and out of the blue Holly was able to have a conversation with me… and Natalie was scheming with me to go see The Honorary Title… and Mike has been checkin up on me… I dunno. When you’re away you see who means the most to you. Yeah, yeah, I’m missin some people… but these are the people who’ve left the biggest impact on me while being away. The people who have bothered to keep me company, the ones willing to say, “I miss you” and “How’s Cali?”
I’m tired of this trip though. It’s killing me for a bunch of different reasons… but the one that’s most painful is being away from Harriet. Yeah, yeah, you can say, “But uve gotta be away from each other for college!” THat’s different. I’m okay with that. This is a vacation I don’t wanna be on during our time we’re supposed to be together. It hurts. When we have to go to college, that’s unavoidable. THat’s okay- we’re both working towards better worlds for each other. Better worlds for us to share together. But this? THere’s no benefit in this (or is there? I’ll explain soon!). I’m just yearning for so much of her love and want to kiss her and hold her and blah blah blah. I want to love her and I want her to love me. We’ve been keeping our sanity by watching movies together at night. WAtched My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Hitch so far. Doing the Fountain tonight.
Hey! Speaking of movies… I watched the Mist last night with Rudy. Fuckin. Good. Movie. You must see it. That’s all I’ll say. And I’ve been re-watching RahXephon. That show is fuckin baller, too. The voice acting is a bit overdramatic at times and the plot a bit hard to follow and the music can be lame… But the overall experience is just phenomenal. I’m on disc 5 of 7. 3, 4, 3. That’s the number of eps on each. Should be able to finish before I go home.
But yeah. MAybe this trip wasn’t all for nothing… I gave out quite a few cds with still more time to distribute… But I met this kid named Pablo. And to put it short: he loves my music and wants to see me get famous. So he’s my official West Coast rep and is gonna spread the word about me hardcore. I could go into so much detail but just dont feel like it. Point is he makes me so damn happy about my music. He’s so in love with Save Me, One More Time, and the Ballad of Johnny Nova. Fuck yeah. And yeah. This trip has been good for Harriet and I too… the distance for a few days has probably made us a lot stronger. But this five day bullshit is hurting like hell. It needs to stop.
Hm. I’m done talking. I guess all I wanna end with is how I didn’t mention Harriet enough in this blog. She’s all I’ve been thinking about and I’m uh.. miserable without her. We’ve been texting incessently and when we talk on the phone its hard to hang up. I dunno. I dont wanna talk about it much. I just want the distance to ennnnnnnnd!
Okay. Skadoosh!
Love Me Like You
July 2, 2008 at 7:14 am (Romancing The Angels, harriet, love, music)
Tags: dreams, harriet, love, music, normalcy, Romancing The Angels, touring
My dream life. I allude to it so much and mention it all the time. But… do you have any idea what that dream life is? When I say “I can’t wait for the future”… do you have the single slightest clue as to what I’m talking about? Maybe you do because you just know who I am… but even then, not everyone gets the straight story. A lot of times when I talk about the future and my dreams, I give off some vague description. For my own good, I wanna document what it is exactly I hope for with the next coming years. And if you care to join me, then fuck- more power to ya.
There are two sides to my dreams: the musical aspect and the Harriet aspect. I always thought music was all that mattered to me until I met Harriet. So here’s the deal: while I want both aspects to come to fruition and blossom, really, all I need to be happy in life is have the Harriet-side-of-life pan out. And along with loving her and having ambitions for our love, there are so many branching paths we could take… all of them desirable and exciting. So that’ll take me a while to explain. But in any case…
The musical aspect. What I want to do. There’s the sure-fire side of the musical dream that involves me being a music producer. It’s what I’m fucking going to Columbia for… I’ll be a music producer. But along with that I want Romancing the Angels to blow up. I’d give anything to play those fucking songs live and to huge audiences. I want to tour, I want to be famous, I want to make lots of money. Touring would allow me to easily see the world, being famous will allow me to do whatever I want and have my music mean sometihng to so many people; I want my music to change people’s lives as music has changed mine, and making lots of money would allow me to enjoy life comfortably. I don’t want monetary worries in any way… I wanna feel okay at all times like I do right now under my parents wing. I especially want Harriet to feel that financial comfort with me. There’s also so much I wanna do in my music life: play in other bands, open up a music store, branch out and create clothing with the musician in mind, make the soundtrack for movies- gosh. So much. But I can’t even wrap my head around all I wanna do until the opportunity strikes. I only truly know what it is I want to do when someone says, “Do you want to do this” and I decide yes or no.
That’s pretty much music for you in a nutshell. Now here’s the Harriet dream. This is the lengthy one. The one that matters most.
While being a musician would be great: living that life of excitement and radness… part of me also wants to have just a normal life with Harriet. I wanna own a nice house in a suburb and come home to her at night and spend evenings listening/dancing to jazz, watching movies, cooking, reading- doing everything together. I wanna make love to her freely without worrying about anyone else seeing… I wanna take baths with her and sip wine while we relax in each other’s arms… I want to take naps with her whenever I please just because I’m feeling exhausted… I want to go to the store and have her come with… I want to be recording music while she’s painting… I want to be reading a book while she’s in bed next to me doing the same… I want to sit down and work out budgets with her, I want to talk about my work day, hear about hers, eat all our meals together, go out when we please, go out with other couples, have kids- I just want to do everything with her… alone. I’m tired of having to go home at night from her house/vice versa when she’s over. I’m tired of sleeping alone. I’m tired of having to remove myself from her warm skin because her parents might be coming and I can’t rest my head on her chest. I’m tired of having to pull away from her because we can’t be seen intimately holding each other- “it’s weird”. I just want the normal things out of love with Harriet. A normal life with her is utter happiness and perfection in my mind.
But then again, moving to Japan and living there sounds incredible too! Or traveling the world, going on endless adventures, living in England- we have so many different things we wanna do. Being in the spotlight as wildly creative people sounds so grand. But really… all I think I want and need is to be loved by her. I don’t need anything else. I’m fine with being average so long as I’m in her company. Sitting at home and watching a movie isn’t just “sitting at home and watching a movie.” Doing that means we’re gonna cuddle up real close and hardly pay attention to the movie because we’re too focused on how happy we are to feel each other so near.
So this isn’t as long as I figured it’d be… because I guess it’s pretty simple and straightforward what my dreams are. They’re not complex by any means. I just ask that Harriet love me forever… and I’d be just fine with that.
