First Real Blog In… well, Ages.

I’m pretty stinkin’ tired.  All I want to do is keep sleeeeeping!  I don’t want to go to work or do anything significant like that.  I either want to get back into bed sleep?  Or have my baby come online and we can talk for a while.  I didn’t sleep very well at all last night.  I was so thirsty and had no relief and it got too warm because you can’t really turn on the A/C right now during winter (cold air just won’t come out!) and in the end I just didn’t get that great of sleep.

The battery to my mac came yesterday!  It finally charges now!  YAY!  During the flight to New Orleans I plan to get a lot of Harriet’s gift out of the way.  I haven’t been working on it at all and I fear I won’t come even close to finishing it since I’ve slacked off thus far.

This week is going to be a freaking busy one.

I’ve got quite the essay to write up for writing class… I’ve got a big ‘ol quiz monday… I’ve got to send back my old, defunct battery to apple… I’ve got to indulge in Shin Megami Tensei… I have to workout… I’m gonna have to start working on my new millennium studies creative project four…  It doesn’t look like much, but a lot of it’s going to be very time consuming (I’m looking at you Creative project) and I have to somehow get it all done before Thursday (or cram like hell on sunday evening and monday morning).  Oh. right.  I’ve got my into to audio final next monday too: I’m gonna need to study HARDcore for that.  And that means I’ve probably also got my production final next week too!  Yes.  I am a busy boy.  But that’s okay.

I looove the new set-up in my room.  I got rid of a lot of unnecessary stuff and brought in a few necessary things.  Despite the broken christmas lights on my floor, my space looks a lot cleaner because of it.  I’ve got my ps2 and t.v. on my desk now- organized perfectly.  The beautiful massing of stuff on my desk feels very homely.  It feels like tihs is truly MY space.  I could sit in this one little area and be completely happy no matter what- kinda like how my room was at home.  I’d always designed it so that I never had to leave that room if I didn’t want to.  Not because I’m a hermit or anything- those closest to me know I’m CLEARLY not that.  But it’s just like.. it’s my room!  My room is my kingdom.  I want it to always be awesome and feel so safe.  My dorm felt very… empty for a while.  Now it feels full!  I really really like my desk the way it is now because it radiates comfort.  I dunno- my thoughts on this I feel are coming out weirdly.  

I’ve realllly got to get going to work… but I just can’t find it in me to actually get up and leave.  I’m terrified of going to work.  I just DON’T want to go!  I’m also terrified of spending money.  I spent too much money this weekend and am going to have to keep spending money- I need water and shampoo!

BTW- I used this shampoo by Aussie for wavy hair?  Wooow did it do wonders!  My hair is so easily affected by different shampoos.  Like, when I used my pantene today?  It makes my hair so soft that it eventually curls a bit.  But the Aussie stuff was being mega cool and makingmy hair.. well.. kinda wavy!  And it was groovy as hell.  So I really want to go buy that.  And I think the dryness of my face is gone?  Hoorayness.  I gotta keep lotioning my body- not only so Harriet can have a smooth body to sleep next to and touch- but I gotta admit- those legs of mine are just tooo gross and dry looking.  Once they’re moisturized though they look just fine.  So I have to keep that up.

Anyways- before I leave for work I think I want to listen to the songs I recorded yesterday.  Hear how they’re shaping up.  I’ve been rushing too much to record them- I have yet to truly listen and I’m convinced they sound kinda crappy… but I think that’s just because I haven’t listened to them properly yet.  My timing was kinda off too with the drums.  The songs I recorded are a tad bit slower than usual and I kept rushing- kept wanting to go faster!  But I couldn’t!  So sometimes I did and if fucked things up.  

I really don’t like my vox amp for recording.  Last night I was super tired and was having a hard time doing ANYTHING… so hopefully today will be a better day for recording.  Well.. semi take that back.  I don’t think I’ll be doing any recording… I’ve got such a stupidly busy day.

First it’s work.  Then meet with allen to discuss our friendship.  Then hang with Tim to play musicks and catch up.  THen when I come home?  Work out.  Need to study.  Start paper.  And come on- I’m going to definitely have to take some time out for myself as well and just… enjoy some Nocturne or talk to Harriet.

I dunnoo.  Busy day.  Kinda wish it weren’t.  Wish I had more time for myself.  But whaaaatevs.  It be cool.  Okay, off I go.

BYE.

Happy Life

Mmm.  I’d love to be in a simpler world.  I want that world back which I had as a child.  You know that same one, I’m sure.  The one that meant no job… no commitments… no greater understandings.  There was only one grand function for us all: to live and love life.  I know I sure did.  I still do!  I just loved the simplicity of having no worries.  I could sit in my living room with the windows open during summer, play video games all day long, and feel perfectly happy.  What’s even more so on that matter: I could play any video game I desired and be fine with it!  How a game was didn’t even matter!  Did the story or characters interest me?  OKAY! Buy it!  

John Mayer reminds me of times like that.  His first album.  Room for Squares.  It reminds me specifically of those summers when Mike’s babysitter Maura would take care of us.  She only took care of Mike, but I was always over.  As far as I know and remember she really liked us.

*sigh*

I’m too tired to write anymore.  

Point is… I’ve lead a very happy life thus far.  And I will continue to do so.

My problem in a nutshell: Harriet thinks I’ve changed.  My other problem?  I’m depressed.

I dunno.  I’m still the optimistic, outgoing, fun-loving person Harriet always knew me to be… but she’s not feeling it.  And if I can’t convey that to her?  Then it means nothing.  But then again… I am pretty depressed.  But that’s all gonna change!  That’s all totally gonna change come tomorrow.  I’m just… turning over a new leaf completely.  It feels weird, I’ll admit, but it needs to happen.  It only feels weird because it’s so strange thinking that I haven’t been myself lately… and Harriet’s been thinking that.  But you know, fuck it.  Give it a day or two and I’ll forget that these feelings I have now ever existed.  This world of mine is going to be such a better place.  

I need to have a good day for myself… and a good day with Harriet.  Then it’s all gonna be dope.  It’s just super hard hearing her say that I’ve changed… because I’m sort of taking it the wrong way.  When she says “You’ve changed” I start overthinking like… oh no, are the words I’m saying not like me?  Is the music I’m listening to not like me?  Has everything she told me recently been a slight lie?  Did she REALLY enjoy that conversation?  

And that’s why I’m pretty depressed in the first place.  I overanalyze everything.  It’s in my nature.  Has been as long as I can remember.  Just… for a while there, everything was so obviously blissful.  How could I overanalyze anything?  ANd if/when I did?  That fear was erased immediately.  Now not only am I left with plenty of room to overanalyze… but if I start worrying about something?  That fear just sits there, festering, growing, becoming something I never want it to be.  It’s because I can’t have Harriet hold me and go, “Don’t worry.”  I just have her words.  And yes, her words are amazing… but when that’s all I have, it gets old real fast.

I dunno.  I just really wish Harriet could actually BE with me all the time.  She’d see compeltely that I’m still the same person… just a little down.  But then when I find out that she feels I’ve changed, that just makes me depressed as hey-yell.  But that’s OKAY.  I’m gonna be fine.  I can do this.  I’ve done it so many times before, why should this time be anyyy different?

Something I also realized… I haven’t been to mass in a very long time.  I thought of this only today- but I do recall getting depressed if it’d been like, over two weeks since I’d gone to mass… and once I went I was so much better!  I just felt lighter and happier.  So I’m actually SO excited to go on thursday for thanksgiving and i may very well go saturday in the evening.  And if I do leave mass feeling amazing?  I’m sure as hell quitting my job and going regularly either on my own or with Gabi.  I’m a hugely spiritual person who is greatly invested in his faith… and I haven’t practiced that faith for over 3 months.  Something’s gotta give.

I dunno.  I know where I went wrong, dammit.  I’m picking myself up.  It’s a slow process… but I’m doing it.  

My biggest problem was scheduling my life around Harriet.  I passed up so many times to go party and hang out to go talk to her.  I don’t regret it… and I was fine with it… I love talking to my baby!  But truth be told… it was hurting me more than I ever realized.  So it’s time I just did what I fucking want to do.  
Like even Saturday fucking night- I sacrificed SO much to be with her.  Last NIGHT I sacrificed a lot to be with her.  I’m done with that.  It’s not because I don’t want to talk to her or I don’t love her any single bit less… but fuck, dude.  I was being held down and I didn’t even know it- nor did she!  But now we know.  And now we make amends.  I get comments from people all the time still saying “Wow,y ou’re crazy” or “wow, this kid’s a riot!”  Yet… Harriet doesn’t know that for shit.  It’s time she knew again.

Also- people need to stop FUCKING CANCELLING ON ME.  Nothing fuckingmakes me more depressed than having fucking great plans then at the last minute hearing that it’s not happening.  THat’s where it all fucking started.  I got so depressed because all my attempts to go out and do something just kept falling apart and I soon just really gave up on trying because I felt defeated… and then it alllllll just piled on one after the other.

Whatever.  Tomorrow’s a brand new fucking day for me.  I plan to seize the shit out of it.

NITE.

Aishiteru

It’s like I was given my heart back for four days then had it taken away yet again.

That’s exactly what it feels like.

My life is in disarray.

I’m not depressed… I’m not moping…

But I’m unsure.  I just don’t know about anything right now. 

I need to recover… need to rest.