Homes for Butterflies

For the first time in who knows how long I listened to the song We’re All In the Dance by Feist.  Sure enough, the only thing I can think of is the night Harriet and I watched Paris, Je’taime together.  The truth is I’d really upset her that night.  It was over something stupid, something I really don’t feel the need to write about.  But the fact that I upset her isn’t what I’m remembering the most.  What’s hitting me so hard is us being in her basement, wrapped up together, watching a movie.  That right there was perfection to me- it still is.  Being able to spend every day with her doing awesome things or doing mundane things all rocked so hard.  And over the weekend I started thinking like… I need to stop yearning for what once was.  She lived here before, now she doesn’t, stop wishing for it back with every tossed penny into a fountain.  But what I’m realizing now is that just because those memories are in the past absolutely does not mean those times can’t happen.  They surely happened over the summer when we were together.  One of my latest favorite memories is us watching HIMYM together episode after episode, being tangled in each other’s limbs, laughing right along.  And the point I’m trying to make is that when I miss Harriet, I’m not missing something that’s gone and never coming back.  Just because I think supremely fondly over the times we had while she lived here, the memories we’ve accumulated while being apart have been grander, more intimate, and totally more epic.  Nothing beats stealing away to my house for a weekend alone during Valentine’s Day or living together for over a week in Winter, or driving to Galveston only to get crabs, or going to see blink-182 together, or sushi hopping in New Orleans- the list goes fuckin on and on.  I guess it’s just really hard looking back on this past summer and recent memories because it makes me wonder where the hell all that went.  Even looking back to three weeks ago when I’d get a call daily and texts that say “I’m thinking about you.”  Where’d that all go?  And I’m so so terribly afraid of losing it, because every time we see each other, it always gets proven so ridiculously hard that we’re meant for each other.  I even said that to her at the airport and she knew it was the most truthful statement I would ever make in my whole life.  What I feel and have for Harriet isn’t just something you accept is done and get over.  This is the girl you fight for and don’t let go because only God knows where the other one might be, IF she even exists.

People always tell girls that when they find a nice guy, hold onto him– don’t let him go.  But what about when you find a girl who likes the Pillows?  And Fooly Cooly?  And all things Asian?  Or the girl who has the same dreams as you as far as starting a family?  Or the girl who cooks you soup and watches The Animatrix with you while you’re sick?  Or the girl who would see the Foo Fighters with you just because she knows how much it means to you?  Ahem.  Do I need to keep going?

Coming from a person who can write off others like its his job, when I say I want to keep fighting and waiting on Harriet… ya gotta believe me when I say it’s all worth it.  And the honest truth is, lately I’ve been feeling pretty defeated in this whole matter.  I haven’t really been sure of the proper courses of action to take.  But as long as simple reminders keep telling me how amazing she is, I’ll keep finding the strength somewhere to continue on.

This is me finding that strength.