It’s 4:32PM. I just went for a walk and am desiring a nice nap, but I’ve got lots to talk about as well. This weekend pretty much flew the fuck by and the different thoughts in my head need to get down. I could just write a bunch of different blogs to encompass my thoughts– it would be rather fitting– but I’d prefer to just write one long, catch-all entry. I’ll immediately highlight what’s going to be in this blog so you can choose to read (or not read) what’s goin’ down. All I can say before I begin is that this weekend has been pure gravy and I’m really doing things right. I think the pain that’s been weighing me down for the past three months is slowly making its way out…
It all started Thursday night. Erik, Joe, and I went out to dinner with their uncle Jim. We started at his swanky hotel room at the W Hotel where we had some wine and SunChips. Then it was off to Sullivan’s for a wonderful meal. When I first met Jim, we hit off hugely. He’s a man of great morals and knows what it takes to be a family man, even if he’s on the road quite a bit for his job. He’s hospitable, always wears a smile, and seemingly constantly classy. Of course I’m going to get along with this man. And especially in the hotel room and at dinner, hearing his stories was heart-warming. I loved his anecdotes about Julia, his daughter, and the tale about how he met his wife, Lynne, proved they were match-made in heaven. Get this: they were at each other’s first weddings and later in life, after a divorce each, fell head over heels for each other. One of my favorite moments was when he was asking about our love lives and he started with Erik who mentioned he had a girlfriend, then Joe who said the same, and when he got to me, I had the luxury of Erik and Joe saying ever so quickly that I was single. ”This kid went to New Orleans to get dumped.” Those were the exact, cutting words. And the way Jim reacted was so gentle and reassuring. He stroked his neck and stared at the table like in his head he was thinking, “God, that sucks. I totally understand.” But then he looked at me with a reassuring half smile and just said, “Ya bounce back, man. We all do.” And you know– I realize I talk about the breakup a lot. But c’mon. Harriet was my world– and I still want her to be, even. To lose her, to not have what we once had anymore… that was always my biggest fear. And here it is: I am living through my greatest fear. If I want to talk about it, cry about it, vent about it, or do anything about it– that’s my prerogative. And dammit, I’m done trying to hide behind a wall of strength. I’m done trying to hide the fact that it twists and pulls at me every second I’m awake. And since facing my demon, since allowing myself to be open about the pain– I’m already feeling stronger and more in control. Attempting to ignore the void was the foolish choice to make and it made every day merely feel like a big fail in the battle for recovery.
But anyways… where was I?
So after an amazing dinner we went to see the Swell Season perform at the Auditorium Theatre. And my goodness– what a spellbinding show that was. Glen Hansard and Co. performed incredibly and I was captivated just about the whole way through. I wrote a Private blog that night about it, so I don’t feel like rehashing the same thoughts for this here entry, but all I can say is that Thursday was an incredible night.
Friday was the Appastar concert. It began with a quick run to Chinatown, then shopping with erik and Joe, then performing at the shittiest venue ever with Allen-san. There’s not much to say here… I got the vibe that most of the kids who knew Allen didn’t give a shit about me. That felt kinda weird. I did hate how getting up there with Allen didn’t feel like we were a team. I felt like a sidenote, like an inferior musician who isn’t wanted. But whatever. I got fuckin MEXICAN BREAD from the Panaderia around the corner. So it was a win for me. Also, Erik and Joe came to support me. That was righteous of them to the max. I was super touched when I found out they were gonna come. After the show we went home and DJ joined us to play Monopoly and watch one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen (and it wasn’t a fucking Youtube video, thank you. More like Xvideos haha). Without revealing any stupid inside jokes, Friday made me laugh harder and more consistently than I have a long time. It ended up being another fantastic day.
Here comes some of the best stuff…
Yesterday I saw the movie Up In The Air starring George Clooney, directed by Jason Reitman. I have no real desire to keep talking about it extensively– I did plenty of that with Erik, Joe, and DJ after the movie. But with very little hesitation, I can say it’s on my Top 10 movies of all time. From the incredible soundtrack, to the intelligent script, to the pitchperfect acting of George, to the phenomenal social commentary, to the ace directing– Up In the Air was a captivating and awesome film from start to finish. No moment felt too long, no scene didn’t pull you in. It was the first movie in quite some time where I didn’t care what time it was or when it would be over… I was strapped in for the ride and was damn well happy to be taking it. I recommend seeing it with all the fervor I’ve got. Besides District-9, no other movie this year has been so worth seeing.
Upon going home I met up with Natalie and Molly for a bit and we went to the Melting Pot randomly at 1 in the morning and ended up having one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. It seems I’ve met another person who believes in romance and the sincerity of a kiss. She also understands what it’s like to look into another person’s eyes and see not just the rich color of her lover’s eyes– she sees a whole nother world in those pupils– she sees her own deeper happiness. Sharing our ambiguous stories of love, loss, and yearning was hugely therapeutic… especially after seeing Up In the Air. I then came home around 3AM to play Monopoly with Ali, Erik, Joe, and DJ and to finally hit the hay at 5. Needless to say, it really was an epic evening.
And now today I watched another great movie. “I Do: How To Get Married and Stay Single.” It was a great French film starring the lovely and terrific Charlotte Gainsbourg. While the movie was great, I feel more compelled to talk about Charlotte. Her acting is superb and she’s just a joy to watch on screen. After what she pulled off in Anti Christ I got the idea that I want to just see her whole filmography and especially after the Science of Sleep and now this, I have every reason to encourage everyone to see her films. She’s a brilliant, and I mean BRILLIANT actress, who deserves much more attention than what she has. She’s also downright gorgeous in a very natural way. Her lack of makeup forces you to see just how gorgeous she is and the way she confidently composes herself from scene to scene makes you just fall in love with her. She has definitely made her way to the top of my favorite actors list.
Now it’s 5:07 and I am entirely ready for a nice nap before I make dinner with the guys. Nothing too long– just enough to rest up and have enough energy to work out, tackle some homework, and fall asleep at just the right time. Of course I’ve so much more to say– but my life is not easy to put down into words. That’s why I fail at every phone conversation I try to have with people. I don’t know what to say– I’m not concerned about trying to tell everything that’s going on with my life and making all my stories known. It’s like I told Natalie last night– it’ll be a long time before she knows much about my past/backstory because everything we do is gonna focus on the adventure at hand. It’s just how I am– there’s nothing wrong with it, nothing good with it– just the way it is. Only one person knows me backwards and forwards… and that may be the way it always stays. I just love knowing that the one person I love with all my heart is the only person who has all the answers to me. It’s like the ultimate gift I can give. But… as I get back to my main point, it’s just… I’m not hung up on talking about life. I’m here to live it. There is a time and a place for storytelling, but in the end I just prefer storymaking.
I don’t totally know what I’m feeling right now. But I know it’s time to sign off. Do take care. I know I will.
