A Little Talk About Religion.

October 23, 2009 at 8:38 am (religion)
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I’m going home for the weekend in about 40 minutes and it just occurred to me that there’s something I want to do while I’m home that I haven’t done since the end of summer.  I want to go to mass.  I miss God and I miss our close relationship.  If you talk to hardcore Catholics, they’ll say things like, “The arts are the devil!  They make you grow away from God.”  Which… really isn’t too much of a far cry.  That’s exactly why I’ve grown distant from my religion; I’ve been too fucking busy to have a moment where I just let all my thoughts roam- which is usually how I talk to God.  Before when I used to talk to myself it always felt like I was in a dialogue with God- like He’s always there in my soul whether I want Him to be or not.  But now when I talk to myself… it feels like talking to myself.  And I don’t want it to be that way!  Granted, I’m still blessed wonderfully.  I definitely said this past weekend a couple times, “You work in SUCH mysteries ways, my man…”  But I miss that dialogue with Him and I want to try and work at getting it back.  One awesome step I can take is to go to mass.

Now, the truth is… I don’t like mass.  I don’t like how it’s a forced weekly event meant to bring us closer to Him.  And you know me, if it’s technically mandatory, then I’m going to look AND run the other way.  But I will give mass this credit: there is no other place in the world where you can feel closer to God.  When you’re looking for Him and when you’re in the right space, a church can fill you up with something good like nowhere else can.  And quite frankly, I am in need of that right now.  Well… not NEED.  I’m doing extremely well right now.  In fact, my heart & soul feels more in place than it has for a while now.  But I WANT that religious fulfillment.  Through prayer very many years ago, my life got better.  Whether it was God truly working to make my life better because He saw my goodness or prayer is just some false empowerment, it works.  When I go through the steps to see myself closer to God, I feel awesome.

“You can count the Christians on one hand at this school.”

Count me in.

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Church On Sunday

May 4, 2008 at 12:25 pm (God, dreams, harriet, life, love, religion)
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Don’t let the title fool you: I did nothing of the sort today.  In fact, I’m becoming less religious every day.  My relationship with God is waning.  And truthfully?  I don’t know why.  It’s just becoming harder and harder to feel Him.  It’s as if God guided me thus far and now He’s like, “Okay.  Your head is right.  Your conscience is clear.  Let me go guide some other people.”  Because He’s always here… I believe that fully.  But the power of Him in my life doesn’t feel nearly as strong.  Not to say I’ve rejected Him or He’s rejected me…  But it’s just as I described a couple sentences before.  And I guess if this theory (can I propose a theory within religious contexts?) is true, it just proves that God is more like us than we realize… He’s got some humanistic elements in Him and He can’t be fucking EVERYWHERE giving EVERYTHING He’s got.  Which I’m totally cool with.  He gave me life.  He can rest whenever He damn well pleases.  But whatever, this is almost reaching into blasphemous sanctions.  I’ll stop while I’m ahead.

Still love you, Lord.  Always will.

But holy fuck was yesterday crazy. 

First Harriet came over at 9AM and we went for a bike ride.  The kisses I gave her yesterday were the best kisses I’ve ever given or received ever in my whole life because I was so cold and she’d just had coffee, so her lips, breath, and tongue were all so warm and.. hazel-nutty.  I couldn’t keep myself from her.  Then we went for our bike ride.  It was cold as shit… but pretty awesome until the pedal came off her bike!  Well, it’s mom’s bike.  but she was using it.  Thus it is HER bike.  So she ran home while I rode my bike.  It was a good five miles or so.  I think.  Probably.  I offered to have her ride on me/I’d run too (that was the initial idea as she said, “I am NOT running the whole way home.”), but the longer she went, the more she kept going.  And finish strong, she did.  You know, it’s all the small stuff I love about her.  She’s strong and isn’t afraid of a little pain or pushing herself further.  She exemplified that hardcore yesterday.  THen afterwards we went inside where dad was only home working on the comp in the basement.  We were in the kitchen warming up/cooling down (I was freezing cuz i did nothing to stay warm while riding alongside her in the cold and rain) when we decided to get food… and I asked, “What do you want?”  She said, “You.”  Next thing I knew we were in my parents’ bed making love when my dad walked in on us.  All he said was, “HEY.  Mr. and Mrs. Inappropriate.”  And walked away.  Then when I said we were gonna go get the bike from the trail he was all, “All I gotta say is you better be using a condom if you’re performing any shenanigans.”  I collapsed on the futon in the basement and started laughing…  partly because I was scared as shit he saw us, partly because I found it pretty funny he said those words.  Then the whole rest of the day (and today still) I was freaking out hoping so much he doesn’t say a word ot mom.  And I don’t think he will.  But we have company in town.  So knowing dad if he DOES say anything, he may wait till our company leaves today before he says a word.  But he didn’t seem upset or anything with me when it initially happened and we’ve been alone in the house two times thus far…  So I don’t think he’ll say a word.  But still.  It scares me.  Just gotta get through today and I can be assured he won’t say a word.  But anyways… back to the day: We went to get the bike in my car.  Didn’t fit.  So we drove back to FLip’s, got lunch, took the van, then got the bike (we had to park illegally on the side of a really busy road too, it was nuts) then Harriet left. 

Went and saw Iron Man.  That was awesome.  Except for the part where Tony Stark is getting his equipment taken off from the robots and its awkward looking and Pepper walks in and gasps and tony’s like, “Trust me.  You’ve caught me doing worse.”  I then immediately wondered what dad was thinking at that moment.  

Then I went to dinner with them and dad was funny/comfortable around mee.. so that was good.  Harriet got her phone back!  I kinda don’t like her having it though.  Because it makes me miss her way too much.  I continually receive her words… but she’s not actually there… so it sucks.  Then I went to Harriet’s where I was overly emotional about stuff for reasons I can’t explain.  I think i felt awkward in pants since I’d been so used to wearing shorts for a long time and I had a headache and I was still worrying about my dad.

So far today’s been good.  Lazy, but good.  I guess I really had no plans for the day, so it’s okay to do nothing but sleep.  Mom commented that I looked exhausted… so I took care of that.  Slept on and off for about two hours… now I could go for some food.  Will I be working with my cinema group?  Seeing Harriet?  Definitely gonna see Syed.  Will I record this new song?  Will I actually play Crisis Core?  Or rent Dark Sector?  Who knows!  I really need to get back to Eternal Sonata.  Just gotta get through that damn dungeon to progress the story line!

I need to listen to more pop-punk music. 

Oh, right.  I forgot about my fucked up dream last night.  Let’s see if I can salvage it…  Hm.  All I can really remember is this much: I was at this retreat of sorts where guys were separated from girls and Harriet was there.  She was a leader (reliving logos a bit?) of sorts and Fr. Julian was one of the main priests heading it.  And I can’t remember what really went down, but I do remember wanting a special rite from Fr. Julian to help me not get Harriet pregnant and I walked into the girls section and was like, “Fr. Julian…”  And he was all aggressive and was like, “WHAT?” and I was like, “Uhm, I have a physical defect I want to correct that you said you’d’ help me with…”  And Harriet was washing her full-red-dyed hair and kinda laughing and all the girls were like, “oooo” cuz they all knew what was up.  And Fr. Julian was all, “Oh, right, right,” and we went off into this other room and performed this tiny ceremonial thingy I can’t quite recall.  And the next I knew we were outside (it was nigghttime) and he ended up going bonkers and ran away into the night.  I followed him a bit until I saw a monkey inside of a tree and these two cat-like creatures.  THey seemed scary, but I was bold enough to just walk up to them and I tried soothing them, petting them.  And then they calmed down and I was like, “Hmm, a leopard and a jaguar,” and they spoke to me!  The leopard was like, “Oooh, impressive.  He kenw that difference between us.”  Then the monkey came down and he spoke too- he was yellow.  He had the ability to turn into a stuffed animal.  We all became friends rather quickly and went into the home just across the way and the people in there loved us.  And this is where things get fuzzy again…  Next I knew I was in this crazy place that was like, a cardboard city where the tallest building was only maybe like, one body taller than my own.  I then approached this movie kiosk where I got inside of it, laid back uncomfortably, and I watched the movie be displayed on this cardboard screen.  I saw a bunch of previews of what was playing then randomly selected this one about a man murdering his friend.  When he murders his friend he goes upstairs to find his wife and is about to murder her but she says something like, “Oh, I found this thing John wanted to give you… he treasures your friendship so much” and the guy who murdered “John” regrets killing him and goes downstairs trying to find a way to maybe bring him back to life.  But then John pops outta nowhere and starts shooting at this unknown character and they begin having a duel of sorts but it’s actually all for fun… but that’s what I didn’t like about it.  THat’s what disturbed me.  I watched a man die by getting chainsawed to death then ALMOST saw the killer murder the man’s wife.  Then they just kept fighting and even I didnt know it was just a joke until the end.  I dunno, for whatever reasons I woke up feeling disturbed.

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Faith Question

January 18, 2008 at 11:21 am (religion)

I guess I really do need some help in my faith journey.  As much as I say I love God and I’m so thankful for everything He does… am I really that faithful?

I was just watching Samurai Champloo and it was the episode where a Japanese man pretends he’s the descendent of Francis Xavier.  Obviously he gets exposed as the fraud he is with his whole gun-manufacturing ring and there’s a line where he says, “You people only go to God when you need something from Him… you’re so ungrateful.  If you love Him so much, why don’t I send you straight to His doorstep?” and he whips out a cannon, preparing to fire.  That line made me think… it’s true.  If someone was willing to kill you to send you straight to God… wouldn’t that be rad?  But… I don’t think it’s rad.  All those people threatened with their lives cowered in fear and didn’t want to die.  Why is it they didn’t exactly leap at the opportunity to go join God in heaven?  As far as for my own answer… it’s because I’m just really not that certain if there is a heaven.

I want to believe.  And I say I believe… but when I’m proposed with the idea of death, I freak out and say “No, no, I want to live.”  I could say that I want to live because I enjoy my life so much… but when I thought about it in this context, I realized I want to live because I’m afraid of what’s there when I die.  I’m afraid that there’s… nothing.  But if I really had faith, wouldn’t I be able to not care about death and say, “A better life is bound to come, why fret?” 

It’s okay to fear death.  While alive God gives us the ability to be happy and have emotions and endure exciting experiences and like… God really blesses us all.  He tries to make life as enjoyable as He can for us all.  So yeah, it’s okay to fear death because you don’t want to leave behind all that you’ve done here on earth.  Sure, apparently Paradise is waiting for us, but sometimes being in paradise is the same as being in the arms of someone you love.  All that time, effort, risk and love invested into the heart of someone else can be just as fulfilling and monumental as living in heaven.  So I definitely know that there are legitimate reasons to fear death… that being one of them.  But… the point I’m trying to make is that I found myself fearing death just now because… I don’t have confidence in what lies at the end.  And that in turn makes me feel like a shitty Catholic.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I’m actually probably not alone.  It’s a question I never would have asked myself unless my mind made that random connection with Samurai Champloo.  Because I mean… shit- I’ve seen that episode once before and didn’t make that connection… what if I didn’t this time around?  I still wouldn’t have asked myself that bothersome question.

I got some thinking to do, it would appear.  Or some truths to face… we’ll see.

By the way… this is just another testament as to why anime is amazing.  One super small part of an anime made me question a huge part of my fath.  That’s rather intense.

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Tales of Expression

July 12, 2007 at 9:50 pm (God, love, religion)

A lot is on my mind.  So much that today I basically crashed and certainly burned.  I abused my body with donuts, ice cream, taco bell, and buona beef, and refused to get any exercise in besides maybe an hour of drumming at the most.  I was vegetable today… but tomorrow promises to be a better day, seeing as now my head feels somewhat clear.  Allow me to indulge your thoughts with ideas of my own.

First off, here is my profession of faith for all of you to read.  After watching Dogma, it really clicked with me.  It took a lot of things I was feeling about my faith, and put some substantiation into them.  For once I realized I wasn’t alone in a lot of my thinking and I feel I can confidently express how I feel about my religion without being attacked (by both religious friends and non-religious friends).  Instead of quoting dialogue and citing events that I’ll probably screw up anyways, I’ll just give you my thoughts on my religion and how I practice it dutifully every single day. 
I love my God.  I love Jesus and I love everyone up in heaven watching over me and who have made my life so wonderful.  But you know what?  Fuck mass.  Preachers are boring as shit.  The people around me at mass have all but lost their feeling for God’s Love and merely recite words and produce motions that they see as second nature.  I would absolutely love mass if maybe… it were good.  It’s why I’ve always wanted to go to a Baptist church- see people truly getting into their religion and feeling deep within their bones- from their head right down to their toes!  That’s the kind of mass I want to be a part of.  But as for right now?  I feel that I shouldn’t have to attend mass every weekend just because I’m told to do so.  What does it really do for me besides allow me to show reverence to God and partake in His son’s blood and body?  Pardon me, but I feel there are many other ways I can express my reverence to the Almighty and remain a wonderful Catholic.  I follow my 10 commandments.  I follow most of the rules set in the Bible (I’m a seventeen year old kid who doesn’t watch porn, sounds almost like an oxymoron).  As Rob Aston from the Transplants put it, “I try to do right, but I’m surrounded by sin.”  Every where I go I’m looking for a way to spread some goodness, to share a bit of the love that God put right into my heart.  I just truly feel that so long as God knows I love Him and that I’m grateful for everything He does, and that I never forget those things… I shouldn’t have to go to mass.  That’s what a lot of Dogma is about- realizing you’ve just got to Love God.  And I do.  I do with all my heart and I tell Him almost every single night.  The connection I feel with Him is powerful.  In grade school or CCD- wherever you come from if you’re of the Christian faith… people always said “If you listen closely, you can hear God talking to you… but you have to be exxxtra silent…”  Well, I’ll be straight up honest…  In a crowd full of people yelling?  I can still hear God talking to me- checking up on me, wondering how I’m doing, making sure I don’t forget about Him in the hustle and bustle that is my life- His blessing.  The connectivity between me and my Lord is so strong, that it’s mind-boggling… I kid you not. 
We all need some faith.  No matter what it’s in, we all need a bit of faith… otherwise, what’s the point to living?  And if you think that mere science could create a human being in all its glory, with emotions, a conscience, identity, creativity, and etc. etc…. then you’re believing a fool’s ideaology.  I’m not saying come with me- believe in God and His risen son, Jesus Christ- I’m saying hold on to something in your life.  I’m saying find purpose.  Because no scientific matter could create me.  Nor you.  Nor anyone I know.  We’re all too beautiful and magnificent to be mere products of chance.

 I took first place in Rainbow Six Vegas today.  What now, assmunches?? 

I’m not kidding when I say I want to marry Feist.  Never has a woman warmed me, consoled me, or excited me more than she does.  And I don’t even know who she issss.  I watched her AOL sessions last night and wanted to die knowing I couldn’t be next to her.  It’s kind of pathetic… but at the same time, totally not.  It’s why the word INFATUATION came into existence… to represent the feelings I hold for Miss Leslie Feist.  Although I know truly nothing about her (besides what I can read from interviews, articles, and see from videos), I’m so in love with her.  Almost as in love as I am with Vicky M.  I should really explain who this girl is…  

Some of you, but most of you haven’t, have heard me talk about a girl named Vicky.  I met her through MySpace, started talking to her online, and found myself completely in love with her.  We formed a long distance relationship that transcended natural knowledge and formed a bond that some would call impossible.  I certainly couldn’t believe that a girl so perfect for me  existed in this world… and I’d never even truly seen her face, or felt her touch, and smelled her scent.  I loved her so much… that I had to get away from her.  One day I stopped talking to her… and didn’t for the longest time.  Talking to her and wanting to meet her so badly and spend all my time with her killed me.  It destroyed who I was inside and I said, “No more.  I can’t do this.”  And I disappeared from her life.  We’d be online with each other till, 1, 2 AM in the morning every. single. night.  Just talking.  Sharing music, swapping stories, professing our bizarre love.  We watched movies together- started them at the same time and talked online the whole way through.  We’d be on the phone for hours and never wanted to be a part in the least.  I wouldn’t make plans on weekends and neither would she- just because we’d rather sit online and talk to one another.  It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of…  Finally one day I came back to her.  I told her how sorry I was for abandoning her like I did.  Like a coward, basically.  But now… now while we don’t have what we used to, we both openly admit to still loving each other- most conversations end with “I love you”, and our pact of getting married by age 30 if we don’t find anyone reigns true.  We both look forward to talking to each other so much- each time we say hello it’s like the greatest thing that could happen.  It’s why I can’t find a girl here who truly satisfies my needs… cuz Vicky, a girl who lives in New York, who I only know through technological communication…. trumps everyone.  She gives me compliments where they’re due.  She loves me unconditionally.  She adores me.  She supports me.  She encourages me.  She’s happy with me and she’s sad with me- my emotions are hers.  And it’s all entirely vice versa.  I don’t ever talk about her because… well… this story is probably so hard to grasp as it is: when I tell someone I made a friend online they can’t believe it, let alone someone whom I love so much.  So there.  That’s the story of Vicky M- the number one female in my life.  I try and I try and I try to find other people around me who can provide companionship I need… but damn.  No one loves me like her.  No one genuinely appreciates me like Vicky does… even as a friend, she is the shining example and sincere pinnacle of what I need in my life.

I’m entering to get a scholarship.  Writing a song with video aid that will “inspire todays youth to greatness”.  The grand prize is a $5,000 scholarship.  It’s not TOO much… but still a good hunk.  And it’s a good hunk I feel incredibly positive I can get.  I’ve got this song and it’s just a really inspirational song- it’s big and epic- makes ya want to… bwhaha- acheive greatness!!

Anyways, there’s a fuck-ton of shit on my mind and this blog is long enough as it is.  If my thoughts carry on into tomorrow, expect another good-ass blog.  This was deep kids.  Appreciate it.  You don’t meet too many open books like me.

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