Homes for Butterflies

My dream life. I allude to it so much and mention it all the time. But… do you have any idea what that dream life is? When I say “I can’t wait for the future”… do you have the single slightest clue as to what I’m talking about? Maybe you do because you just know who I am… but even then, not everyone gets the straight story. A lot of times when I talk about the future and my dreams, I give off some vague description. For my own good, I wanna document what it is exactly I hope for with the next coming years. And if you care to join me, then fuck- more power to ya.

There are two sides to my dreams: the musical aspect and the Harriet aspect. I always thought music was all that mattered to me until I met Harriet. So here’s the deal: while I want both aspects to come to fruition and blossom, really, all I need to be happy in life is have the Harriet-side-of-life pan out. And along with loving her and having ambitions for our love, there are so many branching paths we could take… all of them desirable and exciting. So that’ll take me a while to explain. But in any case…

The musical aspect. What I want to do. There’s the sure-fire side of the musical dream that involves me being a music producer. It’s what I’m fucking going to Columbia for… I’ll be a music producer. But along with that I want Romancing the Angels to blow up. I’d give anything to play those fucking songs live and to huge audiences. I want to tour, I want to be famous, I want to make lots of money. Touring would allow me to easily see the world, being famous will allow me to do whatever I want and have my music mean sometihng to so many people; I want my music to change people’s lives as music has changed mine, and making lots of money would allow me to enjoy life comfortably. I don’t want monetary worries in any way… I wanna feel okay at all times like I do right now under my parents wing. I especially want Harriet to feel that financial comfort with me. There’s also so much I wanna do in my music life: play in other bands, open up a music store, branch out and create clothing with the musician in mind, make the soundtrack for movies- gosh. So much. But I can’t even wrap my head around all I wanna do until the opportunity strikes. I only truly know what it is I want to do when someone says, “Do you want to do this” and I decide yes or no.

That’s pretty much music for you in a nutshell. Now here’s the Harriet dream. This is the lengthy one. The one that matters most.

While being a musician would be great: living that life of excitement and radness… part of me also wants to have just a normal life with Harriet. I wanna own a nice house in a suburb and come home to her at night and spend evenings listening/dancing to jazz, watching movies, cooking, reading- doing everything together. I wanna make love to her freely without worrying about anyone else seeing… I wanna take baths with her and sip wine while we relax in each other’s arms… I want to take naps with her whenever I please just because I’m feeling exhausted… I want to go to the store and have her come with… I want to be recording music while she’s painting… I want to be reading a book while she’s in bed next to me doing the same… I want to sit down and work out budgets with her, I want to talk about my work day, hear about hers, eat all our meals together, go out when we please, go out with other couples, have kids- I just want to do everything with her… alone. I’m tired of having to go home at night from her house/vice versa when she’s over. I’m tired of sleeping alone. I’m tired of having to remove myself from her warm skin because her parents might be coming and I can’t rest my head on her chest. I’m tired of having to pull away from her because we can’t be seen intimately holding each other- “it’s weird”. I just want the normal things out of love with Harriet. A normal life with her is utter happiness and perfection in my mind.
But then again, moving to Japan and living there sounds incredible too! Or traveling the world, going on endless adventures, living in England- we have so many different things we wanna do. Being in the spotlight as wildly creative people sounds so grand. But really… all I think I want and need is to be loved by her. I don’t need anything else. I’m fine with being average so long as I’m in her company. Sitting at home and watching a movie isn’t just “sitting at home and watching a movie.” Doing that means we’re gonna cuddle up real close and hardly pay attention to the movie because we’re too focused on how happy we are to feel each other so near.
So this isn’t as long as I figured it’d be… because I guess it’s pretty simple and straightforward what my dreams are. They’re not complex by any means. I just ask that Harriet love me forever… and I’d be just fine with that.