November 30, 2008 at 9:40 am (life)
Tags: allen, dorm, friendship, harriet, home, nocturne, recording, tim, video games, vox
I’m pretty stinkin’ tired. All I want to do is keep sleeeeeping! I don’t want to go to work or do anything significant like that. I either want to get back into bed sleep? Or have my baby come online and we can talk for a while. I didn’t sleep very well at all last night. I was so thirsty and had no relief and it got too warm because you can’t really turn on the A/C right now during winter (cold air just won’t come out!) and in the end I just didn’t get that great of sleep.
The battery to my mac came yesterday! It finally charges now! YAY! During the flight to New Orleans I plan to get a lot of Harriet’s gift out of the way. I haven’t been working on it at all and I fear I won’t come even close to finishing it since I’ve slacked off thus far.
This week is going to be a freaking busy one.
I’ve got quite the essay to write up for writing class… I’ve got a big ‘ol quiz monday… I’ve got to send back my old, defunct battery to apple… I’ve got to indulge in Shin Megami Tensei… I have to workout… I’m gonna have to start working on my new millennium studies creative project four… It doesn’t look like much, but a lot of it’s going to be very time consuming (I’m looking at you Creative project) and I have to somehow get it all done before Thursday (or cram like hell on sunday evening and monday morning). Oh. right. I’ve got my into to audio final next monday too: I’m gonna need to study HARDcore for that. And that means I’ve probably also got my production final next week too! Yes. I am a busy boy. But that’s okay.
I looove the new set-up in my room. I got rid of a lot of unnecessary stuff and brought in a few necessary things. Despite the broken christmas lights on my floor, my space looks a lot cleaner because of it. I’ve got my ps2 and t.v. on my desk now- organized perfectly. The beautiful massing of stuff on my desk feels very homely. It feels like tihs is truly MY space. I could sit in this one little area and be completely happy no matter what- kinda like how my room was at home. I’d always designed it so that I never had to leave that room if I didn’t want to. Not because I’m a hermit or anything- those closest to me know I’m CLEARLY not that. But it’s just like.. it’s my room! My room is my kingdom. I want it to always be awesome and feel so safe. My dorm felt very… empty for a while. Now it feels full! I really really like my desk the way it is now because it radiates comfort. I dunno- my thoughts on this I feel are coming out weirdly.
I’ve realllly got to get going to work… but I just can’t find it in me to actually get up and leave. I’m terrified of going to work. I just DON’T want to go! I’m also terrified of spending money. I spent too much money this weekend and am going to have to keep spending money- I need water and shampoo!
BTW- I used this shampoo by Aussie for wavy hair? Wooow did it do wonders! My hair is so easily affected by different shampoos. Like, when I used my pantene today? It makes my hair so soft that it eventually curls a bit. But the Aussie stuff was being mega cool and makingmy hair.. well.. kinda wavy! And it was groovy as hell. So I really want to go buy that. And I think the dryness of my face is gone? Hoorayness. I gotta keep lotioning my body- not only so Harriet can have a smooth body to sleep next to and touch- but I gotta admit- those legs of mine are just tooo gross and dry looking. Once they’re moisturized though they look just fine. So I have to keep that up.
Anyways- before I leave for work I think I want to listen to the songs I recorded yesterday. Hear how they’re shaping up. I’ve been rushing too much to record them- I have yet to truly listen and I’m convinced they sound kinda crappy… but I think that’s just because I haven’t listened to them properly yet. My timing was kinda off too with the drums. The songs I recorded are a tad bit slower than usual and I kept rushing- kept wanting to go faster! But I couldn’t! So sometimes I did and if fucked things up.
I really don’t like my vox amp for recording. Last night I was super tired and was having a hard time doing ANYTHING… so hopefully today will be a better day for recording. Well.. semi take that back. I don’t think I’ll be doing any recording… I’ve got such a stupidly busy day.
First it’s work. Then meet with allen to discuss our friendship. Then hang with Tim to play musicks and catch up. THen when I come home? Work out. Need to study. Start paper. And come on- I’m going to definitely have to take some time out for myself as well and just… enjoy some Nocturne or talk to Harriet.
I dunnoo. Busy day. Kinda wish it weren’t. Wish I had more time for myself. But whaaaatevs. It be cool. Okay, off I go.
BYE.
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June 1, 2008 at 6:58 am (emotions)
Tags: chris, tim, allen, glenn, school, harriet, love, columbia, joan, graduation, red robin, zeph, friendships, the white chocolate grill
Alright, here it is. My final blog for a long time. I’m not interested in documenting my summer- I’m interested in living it. One thing I realized yesterday was how jampacked every day is that I have. When I got home from a day with Harriet I kinda stood around for a few minutes thinking, “Wow, I feel like I did nothing today…” But then when I went back and thought about it, her and I accomplished so much: we went joyriding with all the windows down, we went to Maxwell’s, we went to an Asian market and bought vanilla mochi, we went to a park and got ice cream all over each other and wrote a card, then went for a walk, then sat on the nicest bench with the greatest view ever while the wind blew sweetly around us, then we went to a grad party where we were the center of attention a lot of the time and where I met a kid named luke, and dominated in volleyball with a guy named Dan, and then we went to Dave’s grad party where we attempted to solve dj’s love problems and we yet again were pretty much at the center of things. That was what we did from 12:45-8:05. In less than 8 hours all that got accomplished. Yet when I got home I’d like, forgotten all that happened, because it all just meshed together. All I could really comprehend was that I had a great day. And that’s how every day is with her. I don’t realize how amazing it is until I get the chance to sit down and think about it… because there’s so much! And instead of rationalizing all I do and sorting it all out with a blog, I’m just gonna say fuck it and keep living life.
Summer officially starts today after graduation. I’m not very interested in going and I’m actually gonna talk my parents out of taking me to the White Chocolate Grill, cuz I’d honestly rather go to Red Robin. I’m just not interested in luxurious things. With electronics? Yeah. I like the best of the best. But that’s the only thing I enjoy spending money on. I actually hate spending a lot of money on food: I just enjoy paying for quality food… not mcdonald’s and shit. But the White Chocolate Grill is one of those places that is just overly expensive and I have no interest in that. I don’t have an interest in expensive clothes. I don’t see the point in expensive furniture. I won’t buy expensive music cds or dvds. But hey, back to my point about not wanting to go to graduation or dinner: I’ve got no desire in all these formal gatherings. More than anything I’d rather just go off and do something with Harriet. We haven’t made love in two days: that’d be fun. We haven’t just sat back and relaxed since Tuesday, that’d be fun too. Bah, I just want to be with her. Friday was the perfect day: I got to hang with Appastar AND have Harriet by my side AND play a show.
I don’t usually like doing things with other people. I only want to be with Harriet. But that’s because I guess I really have no interest in hanging with the people from Benet. The only person I enjoy being with immensely is Glenn and he’s never available for me. But like, I have no problem spending a day with Appastar- Allen, Tim, Chris, and Zeph. I don’t feel like I’m being cheated out of not seeing Harriet: I feel like I’m having a fantastic time and Harriet is given a chance to do whatever she wants to do. Granted, I always want her with me… so that’s what’s great about appastar: they’re all cool that she joins up with us anyways! Then I love hanging with Will: but he’s so hard to get a hold of. But yeah. Graduating from benet: guess it doesn’t mean too much to me because… no one there means that much. I’ve got some great friends and they’ve helped get me through one or all of the years at Benet… but I never made any truly lasting relationships. When I hear the phrase “lasting friendship” I think of two people: Glenn and Joan. I just don’t know about anyone else.
I’m not sure if I want to go to columbia anymore. I was so excited about it until two things happen: a) I fell so deeply in love with Harriet and b) appastar became whole. Now I’d give anything to jsut play music and be with Harriet down in new orleans. But hey. Whatever, can’t have everything. Or… can i?
I’m done writing.
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May 31, 2008 at 8:45 pm (emotions)
Tags: allen, drinking, excitement, harriet, impossibilities, marriage, music, smoking, ty park, writing
I’m the example because no one else will be. I want to be the anchor for him. The inspiration for her. The reason for all.
Nothing is impossible in this life. I want to prove that true.
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May 26, 2008 at 8:02 am (life)
Tags: allen, appastar, bonnie pink, breakfast, conversation, epic music, harriet, life, little caesar's, love, new bang, pork and beans, rainbow six vegas 2, relationships, sleepovers, star wars, the pillows, tokyo bambi, vocals, writing, youtube
I’ve decided that all the happiness in my life can be discovered by reading my texts. My thoughts are all down perfectly in little texts I share with people, especially like Harriet. That’s why when I get here I don’t feel the need to say anything… cuz technically I’ve already written all there is to write. Last night Harriet and I shared a bunch of texts saying how much we can’t wait to live our lives together and how nothing is going to stop us. It’s all I can focus on lately. That, and actually, Appastar. With Zeph now a healthy, exciting member, Appastar has just taken on something so new for me. It’s like… Zeph’s our drummer. He’s not some fill-in, he’s not some temporary member: Zeph’s the real deal. Appastar is now a full functioning band. I’ve never witnessed that in Appa before… so it’s very very exciting. But back to Harriet… Err. Should I go back? Do I really have the desire to share my thoughts? She knows all that I feel. Isn’t that all that matters?
The short answer is yes. So I don’t think I’m gonna bother explaining to a bunch of people who continually judge me by this. Well, that’s a lie. Not everyone judges me. I’ve got a really good fanbase on here full of people who love my writing and my honest thoughts. I guess I do these blogs for them. It’s the people who know me who read these and judge me but actually don’t even talk to me who make my blog a little scary for me sometimes. But generally every week some person I don’t know at all by any means compliments me on my work here. Who knew a blog could ever be commendable? Somehow mine is. And that’s why I write. I write on here for all the people who need to hear that someone else is just like them. For the people who need to know they’re not crazy by thinking they’ve found the girl at age 18 that they’re going to marry; for the people who need to be reassured that dedicating their life to music isn’t stupid; for all the people who have found themselves experiencing any sort of emotion and not sure if it was okay for them to do so- I write realistically so others can feel a bit of comfort in knowing they’re not alone. Because knowing you’re not alone can be everything, sometimes.
So fuck the people who wanna judge me by reading this. I need to stop caring what they think. Not that I do very often… but every now and again I take their pointless words into consideration.
But yeah. Mind if I share something?
I wrote a song yesterday. It’s so incredibly good. It’s just this huge, sprawling song that never repeats itself and everything feels so different from the next. Annnd, even better, is that I found a way to implement this one riff I’ve loved for… its probably been about two years since I wrote it, I’ve been able to implement into the tune and actually use it now! That was very cool for me. I can’t wait to record it. I’d do so today, but I’m focusing on seeing Harriet. I really really wanna see her. It’s unfair we ever have to be apart.
I want Allen to wake up. I’m so in the mood for another level of Vegas 2 and I’m really wanting to jam with him for a bit: practice singing New Bang with instruments in hand; write hugs n kisses; try writing an epic song? Last night was great with him. While it was happening I didn’t realize it was an amazing time until I woke up this morning and thought about it right now. We stayed up till 2AM playing Vegas 2, working on vox to New Bang, watching awesome music stuff on youtube (watched the Pork and Beans music video what… 3 or 4 times? Amazing song, btw), fantasizing about anything and everything, talking about Appa, the music we write- conversation was all over the place (as it usually is with Allen, but it’s still fun). And best of all, we did all that for a good four hours. Err.. more. About 5. It’s just so easy for us to talk, do stuff, and have fun. Probably my favorite discussion was about relationships. Allen was describing what he looks for in a relationship and what his definition of a good/healthy relationship should be… and I always feel bad about bringing up Harriet, but shit. She fits the description for everything he was saying. Every story he has, I have my own parallel adventure with Harriet. Like, the evidence is everywhere: this love I’ve got with this girl is a match made in heaven. I’m convinced and there’s no telling me otherwise. There’s just no bones about it. This girl is the one. Every day I believe that more and more.
Well, I’m getting hungry and I’ve rambled enough. How about some breakfast, eh?
love,
stephen
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April 25, 2008 at 6:10 am (emotions)
Tags: allen, almost transparent blue, appastar, bonding, chris, college, creative writing, dance dance dance, doubt, friends, futures, harriet, haruki murakami, hopefulness, jimmy, judd, life, muse, pat, performing, pizza, progression media, reading, recording, Romancing The Angels, ryu murakami, self-worth, tayler, tim, tulane, uncertainty, vicky, writing
My mind is absolutely teeming with thoughts, ideas, feelings. It’s hard balancing it all. Not to mention my allergies have been going haywire… so… life has been difficult lately.
Let’s see if I can make sense of all my thoughts the past few days:
I got kicked out of creative writing for a bullshit reason. I read a book that was “inappropriate” and thus I became the bastard child everyone at Benet now believes me to be. But consequently I was a runner-up in a Mother’s Club essay contest about “Who is my hero?” While everyone undoubetdly wrote about their mothers, I wrote about Thomas Delonge. A musical nobody to these mothers grading the papers and I still managed to get “runner-up.” Not fucking bad, if you ask me. I also wrote that paper in about twenty minutes. I also learned I have a massive ego. I knew that already… but really… it’s huge. I have to do a group project in Cinema that I don’t think I’m going to survive. Harriet told me she’s probably going to Tulane for college. Cue a thousand handsome guys with washboard abs who’d she’d probably rather date. That’s not the reality, that’s my paranoia. I have no self-worth. I’d like to develop some. Appastar truly are wonderful friends. I wish I saw them so much more… Even Pat and Judd for that matter. allen and I bonded yesterday like we haven’t bonded in a while. We just don’t have the time. He gave me some insights I took to heart: “When I see you guys the true love is obvious.” Speaking of… Harriet’s at Tulane right now… and her cell phone got taken away, so I can’t talk to her at all. It’s killer. I wasn’t prepared for that. School is so lonely without her. I see her every period. I want to see her every period. I’m just being greedy. Dance, Dance, Dance is almost done. I’m so intriuged as to how it’s all going to end. Such a good book… I need to finish watching Mushi-shi so I can get more movies. 9 Souls is next on my list. Hooray for Japanese cinema. I’ve also got the 2001: A Space Odyssey soundtrack coming in the mail soon and BLKTOP Project. They’re a japanese jazz group. Totally great. I got a haircut. I happen to like it. Short… but perfect. It’ll grow out nicely for prom… and that was the main reason for getting it. I feel like I’m getting really flabby. Maybe I’m just overanalyzing it… but I’d like to cut down on my eating for a week… get back to normal. Cuz it’s not like I don’t exercise… so I feel like maybe I’m eating a bit too much… or I’m just not giving myself enough time to recover from indulgence to indulgence. Indulgence. Fuck, why don’t I know restraint? religion, religion, religion… what does it mean to me? God, I love you. But… what else is there? I don’t like mass, the Bible is boring, I adhere to my own rules (although most of your rules follow in with mine), and I don’t pray to anyone else besides you. Is this okay? I had an amazing dream last night. It had everything I could ever ask for in it. Except, having sex on iron bars? Okay, that part was a little difficult to get through. The mattress was thrown off in a fit of passion and the iron bars underneath were left… My old friend Jess was in that dream. I was at a track meet with Harriet and she walked off… and then I saw Jess. She wrote me a letter and it came to me by air-mail (literally, the wind carried it). As I was reading it and was going to write a response, I then felt a kiss on my cheek. I put the letter down to see Jess and we had a great time together. “I just see you as my best friend, nothing more. But we’re damn good best friends.” I messaged her this morning saying I wanted to see her. Because I do. Jess was an absolutely critical person in my life and we drifted so far apart without much reason or warning… I’d love to reconnect. Harriet’s singing with me for the Muse Coffeehouse in May 10th. I can’t wait. Our performance is everything I want it to be. A Girl Named You. Our Mango Tree. Plus one new song. We’re going to blow people away. Progression Media is growing growing growing. “Your company is inspiring.” I wish my friends lived here. Adam, Vicky, Jimmy, Tayler. Best friends for life who I can’t even see. So sad… Hm, I’ve got some more work to do, so goodbye.
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