Homes for Butterflies

I haven’t felt like myself for the past few days now.  Friday i was beaming with joy after such a wonderful day!… but you never wouldda known because I was so sick and exhausted- the best I could do was talk in a low tone and give a smile that made you want to believe I truly was happy.  Saturday was the same deal: I went to the movies with Dad, spent the afternoon with Harriet, and went to dinner with Steven… but it was so hard to show that I really was content, that I was happy.  Sitting in Harriet’s room watching her finger through old art samples and works was quite interesting to watch… but I’ll tell ya, it was so hard to look engaged because I was so focused on breathing properly and ignoring the pains in my head.  Sunday came… and it was better.  But that night took a huge turn for the worse, sadly.  And then yesterday I was such a recluse, so alone.  Harriet, God bless her soul, stopped by, though.  I loved that.  I couldn’t say much.  I really was pretty sick.  But I loved seeing her.  Yet… the problem is still there: I wasn’t myself.  And now today, the second day off from school and the fourth day away from people… I feel so detached.  I feel rather alone.  I mean, it’s no one’s fault.  Not even mine, really.  I have to stay home or Logos this weekend is gonna be hell (being sick during a retreat doesn’t sound good to me…).  But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel incredibly alone.

I really do miss being with those whom I love.  Today I contemplated going to school merely because I wanted to see Harriet.  I didn’t realize how much I value seeing her within school until yesterday happened… and now staying home today happened.  It’s kinda like the first time I discovered how much I value her…

Rather quickly we got into a routine of walking together from lunch to 7th period when we first became friends.  We’d then always talk a little bit after school too.  Every day it was like this.  But the day she was gone… when she went away to England for a week… I realized just how much I missed seeing her and talking to her.  Without really knowing it, I’d become quite attached.  Now here I am realizing it yet again…  I guess I take it for granted that I see her every day at school.  Well, no… I don’t take it for granted.  But I guess up until today, I didn’t realize how much I enjoy it.

Yeah.  That’s it.

But yeah.  It seems I write about Harriet often, don’t I?
I suppose it’s fitting.  She’s absolutely wonderful towards me.  Who was there for me almost every day when I couldn’t leave the house because of my toe?  She was.  Who has asked me a hundred times “how are you feeling” since I first mentioned being sick on friday?  She has.  Who visited me yesterday after school? She did.  Who has seen Appastar, Apollo’s Dream, AND Romancing the Angels live?  She has.  She has been everything I need in a partner and so much more.  I don’t toss around the word “love”.  I save it for the people who I actually mean it with.  And I try and tell Harriet every day that I love her. 

Well, I’m taking a while to write this blog, so my thoughts keep changing and stuff… I feel really good right now.  The baby my mom was watching is gone (thus she’s done crying her head off cuz she hates her formula) and I’m ensured a good lunch since mom will go out for me and I’ll be getting Patapon and the Darjeeling Limited (I think?), so rock on!

I dunno, I just really really need to rest today and configure my life.  It got a little disorganized over the weekend thanks to being so out of it…