Fentloozer

March 21, 2009 at 8:05 am (life)
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Ah-ha!  It’s become perfectly clear why I used to blog all the time!

The internet basically sucks, but when all I want to do is sit around listening to music, what’s the perfect accompaniment?  Either love-making… or writing!  So it makes perfect sense why I used to blog all the time + why I’m blogging hardcore while at home.  I mean, if I’d brought my ps3 home I’d be totes playing that… and I could go get breakfast or write that new song I was working on… but I really want to just listen to music!  I think I love listening to my iTunes library while at home so much because I have these boss speakers to enjoy.  While at school I’m subjected to either ear-buds or my Mac speakers.  Those… don’t give me much room for awesome sound.  So hearing rich audio is just as good as eating the greatest pizza/sushi/ice cream/anything ever.

It looks gorgeous outside today.  The thermometer tells me it’s freezing though.  It’ll get up to 54 though, and since there’s no crazy windchill like in the city, it’ll actually FEEL like 54 and not 44.  So hoorayness!

Yesterday was a very good day.  I enjoyed John’s company immensely.  At first they were a bit strained- like we didn’t know what to talk about since we’d talked so extensively the past few days; like we were trying to find something else to talk about besides all the subjects we’d covered previously.  But then we started talking about blink and that got the ball rolling.. then we jammed.. wrote a song… then just hung and talked some more.  And my goodness, that man really is awesome.  He likes to be critical with me about my personality and such, but he also praises me just as much.  So when he does tell me what’s wrong with me, it doesn’t really hurt.  I feel validated by his remarks and understand what he’s getting at.  He tells me that I worry too much, I’m too paranoid.  Says I’ve always been like that.  And you know what?  I am.  It’s just… WHO I am.  Events in my life have somehow made me this way and I really can’t just… turn it off.  That’s like trying to tell someone to stop being logical or telling someone to stop dwelling on their past- if that’s how that person works, it’s how they’re going to keep acting!  My paranoia, my neuroticism- that’s a part of me.  And while I always try to work at it, make things better, it doesn’t necessarily make me who I am.  I still have plenty of other great traits and I hope that any time I do come off as a bit crazy, other bits of my personality will make up for it.

Sadly Harriet can only see that my neuroticism I feel.  but you know what?  I’m not going to dwell on that.  Everything will work itself out when I see her Monday.  I realized a helluvalot about myself, about the world, and certainly about US these past two weeks…  And long story short, when I see her Monday, I’m going to seem different to her.  I’m going to seem different in the sense that… I’m the honest, loving, confident, spontaneous, optimistic person she fell in love with the Senior year of highschool.  Like every kid on the planet who goes to college, I’d lost myself for a bit.  It happens to us all.  But you know what separates people?  There are those who notice the change and find themselves again.. and there are those who get lost in the change.  I definitely got a hold of myself again… and maybe while Harriet can’t see it because this week has honestly been… really, really difficult for us and she hasn’t seen me BE very happy… I’ll make her see it.  And moreso, I’ll make her feel whole again.  I know I can and I know I will.

I suppose at this point in the blog it’s where I decide to bounce and get some food.  I am STARVING.  Gotta leave soon for gas and then the movie with Steven and DJ.  So it’s all gonna workout.

Lataz!  So pumped for this weekend. :-)

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Update

September 6, 2008 at 8:18 pm (Uncategorized)
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I feel rather lost at the moment.  I feel like I’m not where I should be.  The most comfortable I’ve felt recently was either sitting in my Audio Production 1 class or sitting here listening to music while talking to Harriet.  It just goes to show that really what I’ve held onto dearly so long is never going to change, no matter how much changes around.  I don’t feel any different at college.  I feel like everything I’ve said I was going to do and all the plans along with them are just going as scheduled.  It’s a really nice feeling.

I’m a little down about my appearance at the moment.  Not too keen on my acne or my flabby stomach or my haircut.  But a) I just shouldn’t have eaten that banana split yesterday, b) I’m gonna start working out again once I get some more rest and refuel, and c) charlie assures me my hair will look great once it grows out a bit.  I’m gonna trust him on this.

I dunno.  Life is hectic right now.  I need a day off from everything to regather.  Sadly, I won’t be getting it till my weekend with Harriet.  I’m stuck doing far too much with music, school, and just… life in general. 

Tomorrow I start work.  It’s nothing special.  I need and want the money, so whatever, right?

There are some things I wanna say here that I probably can’t… too many people read this that I’m afraid of them reading.  Thinking I’ll start a new blog… but i dunno.

I’m super disconnected from people right now.  I’m too busy focusing on the types of people I’ve been dying to hang with since the beginning.  People like Mike and Chris.  Those are my types of people and I really wanna do so much with them now instead of people I knew at Benet.  Obviously there are exceptions… but most friends I made at Benet truly were just so I could get by.  THey were never anything special or endearing to me.  I made them because I needed them to survive.

There are some people over right now with Daniel… They’re watching youtube videos.  I dunno.  I find that fucking boring.  If they enjoy it, that’s fine… but not for me.  And it seems that’s a pretty big hobby, almost, these days for people.  another reason why Harriet and I are so awesome: something as simple as not really liking youtube is a common thread of ours.

I love these new high-end headphones I got.  $110 with tax and shit… but totally worth it.  For any music lover, I say you need them.  I wish I’d realized what I was missing out on for so long.  My life honestly feels different now that I’m hearing my music differently.

But okay… gotta get my laundry!

BE BACK

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Updatezor

August 30, 2008 at 9:42 am (emotions)
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Okay, time for an update.  Seeing as I’ve been living in the city for over 5 days now and just about no one’s heard from me… I guess I owe it to some people to write about my adventures thus far.

The first order of business is to probably talk about my roommate.  I have enjoyed living with him immensely so far.  We’re apparently very similar and get along famously.  It’s hard to describe my relationship with Daniel because so much has happened already between us, that going back and explaining everything feels like a chore!  Let me just say this.. a) we have the cleanest/best dorm room in the university center, b) we both agree on our enjoyment of privacy and no one being in the room, and c) we bought a fucking house plant together.  We named him Lars. We’re already working on a musical together with Allen (who pretty much lives here). I dunno… it’s overwhelming trying to talk about how things are with him.

Moving on… I officially am addicted to Skype with Harriet.  We talk online with video… whether we’re just chatting with text or actually talking.. and I love it.  I feel bad that I spend soo much time with her online talking when I’ve got daniel next to me whom I should be hanging out with.  But in the grand scheme of things… Harriet IS the love of my life… she’s everything to me.  And people gotta realize she takes first priority no matter what.  It doesn’t make me a bad friend, though.  At least I don’t think so.  Because as much as I talk to Harriet and devote what time I can to her while being so far away… I still give my all to the people around me.  I’ve spent lots of time going around with Daniel and engaging in activities alongside Allen.  But I think I’m totally entitled to do all that I wish to do with Harriet.  One thing I don’t think Daniel gets is that Harriet and I DO have a lifelong commitment to each other.. which I wouldn’t expect him to.  That’s something I’d have to tell him.. but there’s just never been any real smooth of way saying it besides, “HEY! Harriet and I are gonna get married one day.. just so you know.”  Mmm.. that’d be lame.  Already he totally supports me sitting in front of a camera talking to her all the time and texting her… so it’s not an issue.  But if he knew just how deeply in love we are, he’d probably be even MORE accepting of the fact.

Hey.  did I mention that daniel and I are already talking of getting an apartment together?  I’m not sure if he’s serious… but I sure am.  I’m definitely getting an apartment next year and if Daniel wants to do it up with me?  That is totes fine.

Whatever.  I’ve come to hate blogging and being on aim.  This is the first blog I’ve truly written for a while… and today’s the first day I’ve been on AIM in… how long?  And I’m really not a fan.

Just goes to show where my heart truly lies these days…  It’s with my friends… my love… and my music.  Not in that order..

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Another Blog About a Girl

August 22, 2008 at 9:44 am (harriet)
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College is approaching.  How do I feel?  Both excited and scared.  Scared because I just don’t know how everything is gonna go.  Excited because if things go according to plan, this’ll be the best time of my life (before the next best time of my life happens: post-schooling life).  The only reason why I’m scared is because of Harriet.  One of my biggest concerns is getting to see her and having my life/schedule work out in her favor.  Like if she weren’t apart of my life I could get any job, commit to anything, and just not have anyone to truly love and care about… Living life is easy when you don’t need to care about someone else.  But the truth is, I love and adore Harriet.  And having her in my life makes it worth living.  So it won’t be easy figuring out my schedule and getting it just right so I can be with Harriet as much as possible… but it’ll be more than worth it.  That’s the only thing wiggin’ me out.  I really just want to get into college and figure things out NOW instead of always wondering, “Okay… how’s it all going to work out?” 

Don’t get me wrong though: it’ll all work out.  It’ll all work out perfectly.  I just don’t know how at this point… and I can’t know till I’m shoulder-deep at Columbia. 

Here’s my ideal life: I do my classes, work Fridays and Sundays at Demitasse (making over $80 a week), and get lots of flexibility with seeing Harriet.  Then once I feel comfortable enough with my classes and my new lifestyle, get an internship of some sort that caters to my schedule and still be able to free with Harriet.  I guess I could work Tuesdays and Thursdays from like, 11:30-3:30 at Demitasse for even more money.  I just hope my boss is cool with me taking vacations maybe once or twice a month.  I dunno.  As I said: I just gotta get in there and figure shit out.  I can’t sit here and speculate, because speculating gets you absolutely nowhere.  And that’s what’s bothersome at this point.

Making money and seeing Harriet are at the top of my priorities at this point.  I need money to be comfortable and to see Harriet… and I need a job that lets me see Harriet.  So in reality… seeing Harriet is at the top of my priorities.  As it should be!  Because I mean, at the end of the day, all I need is her to be happy.  I know I’m going to excel at Columbia.  That’s a fact: I’m not worried about it in the slightest.  So I’m gonna get a good job some day.  But I really do need her to be exceptionally happy.  You could always make the comment, “There are probably other people just as wonderful if not better than her,” and I would say, “I don’t care.”  Harriet’s perfect for me.  You don’t pass up perfection.  Maybe there is someone just as good as her or even better than her… but I really don’t want that person.  I want and need Harriet.  The point is I don’t desire anything more than what Harriet and I have.  She fulfills all of my needs and exceeds my expectations on a regular basis.  I never sit at home going, “I wish she would do this.”  She is all I could ever want her to be.  She’s all I want in a girlfriend, a lover, a wife- everything.  I always figured I was too picky and would never find the perfect person… then here comes Harriet.  So… suck it.  She’s mine.  Forever and always.

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Latitude

August 15, 2008 at 11:18 am (emotions)
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Alright, let’s just do a heavy update.  I’ve got time and plenty to say… just gotta figure out how to say it.

Every day has been different.  I’ve never been bored and it’s nice.  Adjusting to life without Harriet is interesting… but it can be done.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I miss her at every second and if it were up to me?  She’d still be with me.  Having her by my side is what I want all the time more than anything.  But I have to make do with the fact that she isn’t here and I’m doing a nice job.  I’ve been playing lots of Halo, playing lots of guitar, having band practices, seeing people, and ignoring my mother.  It’s been swell.  So maybe I haven’t been doing much… but the time sure manages to pass by nicely.  I’ve been trying to call Harriet every day.  The worst thingt hat happened while I was in California was I semi forgot what her voice sounded like and that scared me for a bit.  All I could think of was what she looked like.  Even then (and now), I miss not being able to look so intently at her beautiful face and see all there is to it: all the curves, the freckles, the lines, the color.  I love that so dearly.  All I can really do is look at a picture or go into my memory bank.  Such deep details of her features aren’t nearly as mesmerizing when I can only look back on them.  Being there presently to take in her beauty is what’s remarkable. 

But yeah.  Back to my point of calling her every day: I never want her to forget what my voice sounds like.. and I know if she can hear it day to day, it makes all the words I write to her through texts and letters so much more real. 

We do a lot of cheesy things… like call to say goodnight before we both go to bed… watch movies together simultaneously… we were even gonna try to go to a same time showing of Tropic Thunder (before i went totally broke).  But I’m a-okay with that.  It’s what makes our love flourish.  Distance ain’t got nothing on us.  I’m okay with telling people I gotta kick them out by 9 cuz I got a movie date with my love… or even when allen was sleeping over I still called to say I love you and goodnight.  It doesn’t matter what others think.  Because when we’re living our perfect lives… we owe it to all these cheesy things that kept us so close when we were so far. 

Fuck I’m hungry.  We’ve got nothing really to eat in this house.  Mom doesn’t bother to keep anything good and she’s cut me of like all money so I can’t go out and either a) buy something or b) get food for the house.  I have to eat what’s here.  Which is nothing.  Or if there is sometihng it’s incredibly boring annd not worth my time.  I’d rather starve.

Dominick’s got back the sushi makers!  That makes me so happy.  A Dragon Roll cut into 12 for $8.  I am so sold.  I love that sushi… it made me so sad when they stopped having it.  All that imitation crab meat bullshit…  That’s not fucking sushi!  Anyone who thinks it is is not deserving of my time in the least.

Talking to Mikey right now.  Trying to get RTA managed.  Looks like I succeeded.  Gosh, RTA is soaring.  We’re going to do epic things.
Apollo’s Dream is back in action, temporarily.  We’re gonna get this album/ep done.
Appastar is always doing good things.
And Par-T-Rex should be doing some cool stuff in the near future.  That’s four bands I’m affiliated with!  I love ittt.

i love anime so much.  I miss not being able to watch it since my account is temporarily on hold thanks to my mom not getting me a new credit card cuz I’m “irresponsible”… which isn’t true in the least.  She’s just a fuck who thinks she knows me.  Lately I’ve been showing my true colors around her and she’s getting a little scared.  She’s realizing she doesn’t know me at all and the lack of talking I do with her must make her upset.  Steven and DJ came over yesterday and I didn’t tell her at all.  DJ came over the day before while Allen was over and I didn’t tell her.  I walk up to her and say, “We’re going out, be back.”  Whatever questions she has, I answer… but I don’t ask anymore.  I do.  I’m sick of all her bullshit.  Warning me about things.. treating me like I’m such a young child… giving me advice that is the worst I’ve ever heard…  I can’t wait to go into college.  Freshman year is the beginning of my tie cutting… sophomore year is the last cut.  That’s the plan.  I hope to move in with Allen and Tim sophomore year and be truly living on my own. 

I’m worried about getting a job.  I want one really badly… but I’m already so busy with music + seeing Harriet that I need a flexible job.  I guess what I gotta do is apply everywhere, see what works, and just be happy with wherever I am, knowing I’ve got flexibility and money.  Yeah.  That’s the mentality I need.  I’d love to work at Gamestop- always have wanted to.  But I don’t think they’d want me… and I refuse to work at Dominick’s or Jewel.  There’s a Whole Foods near me I do believe… I wouldn’t hate working there.  I could easily work 16 hours a week there.  I dunno.  Just gotta apply apply apply.  I’m starting at Demitasse first.  Just to get some easy money rather quickly. 

Ugh.  Thinking all this college stuff over makes my head hurt.  I hate contemplating it and not knowing the reality.  I’m so confused because I really don’t know what to expect.  I just wanna dive head first into it all and get it sorted out now.  I’m okay with summer ending.  My summer ended when Harriet left.  I just want school to come so I can have some fucking clarity.

Anyways.  I’m gonna go.  See you.

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