Homes for Butterflies

Don’t let the title fool you: I did nothing of the sort today.  In fact, I’m becoming less religious every day.  My relationship with God is waning.  And truthfully?  I don’t know why.  It’s just becoming harder and harder to feel Him.  It’s as if God guided me thus far and now He’s like, “Okay.  Your head is right.  Your conscience is clear.  Let me go guide some other people.”  Because He’s always here… I believe that fully.  But the power of Him in my life doesn’t feel nearly as strong.  Not to say I’ve rejected Him or He’s rejected me…  But it’s just as I described a couple sentences before.  And I guess if this theory (can I propose a theory within religious contexts?) is true, it just proves that God is more like us than we realize… He’s got some humanistic elements in Him and He can’t be fucking EVERYWHERE giving EVERYTHING He’s got.  Which I’m totally cool with.  He gave me life.  He can rest whenever He damn well pleases.  But whatever, this is almost reaching into blasphemous sanctions.  I’ll stop while I’m ahead.

Still love you, Lord.  Always will.

But holy fuck was yesterday crazy. 

First Harriet came over at 9AM and we went for a bike ride.  The kisses I gave her yesterday were the best kisses I’ve ever given or received ever in my whole life because I was so cold and she’d just had coffee, so her lips, breath, and tongue were all so warm and.. hazel-nutty.  I couldn’t keep myself from her.  Then we went for our bike ride.  It was cold as shit… but pretty awesome until the pedal came off her bike!  Well, it’s mom’s bike.  but she was using it.  Thus it is HER bike.  So she ran home while I rode my bike.  It was a good five miles or so.  I think.  Probably.  I offered to have her ride on me/I’d run too (that was the initial idea as she said, “I am NOT running the whole way home.”), but the longer she went, the more she kept going.  And finish strong, she did.  You know, it’s all the small stuff I love about her.  She’s strong and isn’t afraid of a little pain or pushing herself further.  She exemplified that hardcore yesterday.  THen afterwards we went inside where dad was only home working on the comp in the basement.  We were in the kitchen warming up/cooling down (I was freezing cuz i did nothing to stay warm while riding alongside her in the cold and rain) when we decided to get food… and I asked, “What do you want?”  She said, “You.”  Next thing I knew we were in my parents’ bed making love when my dad walked in on us.  All he said was, “HEY.  Mr. and Mrs. Inappropriate.”  And walked away.  Then when I said we were gonna go get the bike from the trail he was all, “All I gotta say is you better be using a condom if you’re performing any shenanigans.”  I collapsed on the futon in the basement and started laughing…  partly because I was scared as shit he saw us, partly because I found it pretty funny he said those words.  Then the whole rest of the day (and today still) I was freaking out hoping so much he doesn’t say a word ot mom.  And I don’t think he will.  But we have company in town.  So knowing dad if he DOES say anything, he may wait till our company leaves today before he says a word.  But he didn’t seem upset or anything with me when it initially happened and we’ve been alone in the house two times thus far…  So I don’t think he’ll say a word.  But still.  It scares me.  Just gotta get through today and I can be assured he won’t say a word.  But anyways… back to the day: We went to get the bike in my car.  Didn’t fit.  So we drove back to FLip’s, got lunch, took the van, then got the bike (we had to park illegally on the side of a really busy road too, it was nuts) then Harriet left. 

Went and saw Iron Man.  That was awesome.  Except for the part where Tony Stark is getting his equipment taken off from the robots and its awkward looking and Pepper walks in and gasps and tony’s like, “Trust me.  You’ve caught me doing worse.”  I then immediately wondered what dad was thinking at that moment.  

Then I went to dinner with them and dad was funny/comfortable around mee.. so that was good.  Harriet got her phone back!  I kinda don’t like her having it though.  Because it makes me miss her way too much.  I continually receive her words… but she’s not actually there… so it sucks.  Then I went to Harriet’s where I was overly emotional about stuff for reasons I can’t explain.  I think i felt awkward in pants since I’d been so used to wearing shorts for a long time and I had a headache and I was still worrying about my dad.

So far today’s been good.  Lazy, but good.  I guess I really had no plans for the day, so it’s okay to do nothing but sleep.  Mom commented that I looked exhausted… so I took care of that.  Slept on and off for about two hours… now I could go for some food.  Will I be working with my cinema group?  Seeing Harriet?  Definitely gonna see Syed.  Will I record this new song?  Will I actually play Crisis Core?  Or rent Dark Sector?  Who knows!  I really need to get back to Eternal Sonata.  Just gotta get through that damn dungeon to progress the story line!

I need to listen to more pop-punk music. 

Oh, right.  I forgot about my fucked up dream last night.  Let’s see if I can salvage it…  Hm.  All I can really remember is this much: I was at this retreat of sorts where guys were separated from girls and Harriet was there.  She was a leader (reliving logos a bit?) of sorts and Fr. Julian was one of the main priests heading it.  And I can’t remember what really went down, but I do remember wanting a special rite from Fr. Julian to help me not get Harriet pregnant and I walked into the girls section and was like, “Fr. Julian…”  And he was all aggressive and was like, “WHAT?” and I was like, “Uhm, I have a physical defect I want to correct that you said you’d’ help me with…”  And Harriet was washing her full-red-dyed hair and kinda laughing and all the girls were like, “oooo” cuz they all knew what was up.  And Fr. Julian was all, “Oh, right, right,” and we went off into this other room and performed this tiny ceremonial thingy I can’t quite recall.  And the next I knew we were outside (it was nigghttime) and he ended up going bonkers and ran away into the night.  I followed him a bit until I saw a monkey inside of a tree and these two cat-like creatures.  THey seemed scary, but I was bold enough to just walk up to them and I tried soothing them, petting them.  And then they calmed down and I was like, “Hmm, a leopard and a jaguar,” and they spoke to me!  The leopard was like, “Oooh, impressive.  He kenw that difference between us.”  Then the monkey came down and he spoke too- he was yellow.  He had the ability to turn into a stuffed animal.  We all became friends rather quickly and went into the home just across the way and the people in there loved us.  And this is where things get fuzzy again…  Next I knew I was in this crazy place that was like, a cardboard city where the tallest building was only maybe like, one body taller than my own.  I then approached this movie kiosk where I got inside of it, laid back uncomfortably, and I watched the movie be displayed on this cardboard screen.  I saw a bunch of previews of what was playing then randomly selected this one about a man murdering his friend.  When he murders his friend he goes upstairs to find his wife and is about to murder her but she says something like, “Oh, I found this thing John wanted to give you… he treasures your friendship so much” and the guy who murdered “John” regrets killing him and goes downstairs trying to find a way to maybe bring him back to life.  But then John pops outta nowhere and starts shooting at this unknown character and they begin having a duel of sorts but it’s actually all for fun… but that’s what I didn’t like about it.  THat’s what disturbed me.  I watched a man die by getting chainsawed to death then ALMOST saw the killer murder the man’s wife.  Then they just kept fighting and even I didnt know it was just a joke until the end.  I dunno, for whatever reasons I woke up feeling disturbed.