A Blog About Love.

“It’s a long story, and complicated to boot, but.. just, thanks for the encouragement with the ****  thing. We’re really finally coming into our own as a couple (and trust me, it has NOT been an easy road… we’ve been togetherish for fourth months, only four DAYS of which we’ve been able to spend together), and it’s… the most. I know the last part of that sentence is missing a noun, but that’s intentional. It is the most. It doesn’t require a noun. I think you must have some idea of what I mean. You’ve been in love before. You ARE in love. You know. It’s the most. No other words needed. The most. The end. I know we must be doing something right because every time he says “I love you,” or calls, or even just enters my thoughts, my heart goes WHOOSH. I never really thought I was the “falling in love” type, but… this is divine. This is love, I know it. So thanks for recognizing that potential and nudging me towards it, even though it’s difficult to be apart and feel this much. It’s worth it. He’s worth it.”

This is an e-mail I received from a friend of mine about a certain person special to her heart.  And I broadcast it for the shear reason that it’s beautiful.  Hearing about happy couples, stories about love flourishing- it brings me joy.

哀話世界の周りです。

Love actually is all around.

A common mindset that people adopted when they entered college is that everything needs to be grounded in reality.  If there is a time when people look at their dreams and go, “Yup… that’s all they are,” it’s when they get into college.  And there’s not even some great event that happens.  There’s just a stigma to living life on one’s own and it throws his/her perspective on its side and leaves a person feeling different.  One typical sentiment so many people I know have come to share is that they forget about the power of love.  Love has stopped making the world turn for so many people because they think that good grades which will lead to a good job in 4+ years is what’s going to sustain them (among other various reasons).  But from the background I have, I know that love is something everyone needs, and if you have it?  You don’t abandon it, you embrace it harder than you ever have when times get tough.  So when anyone dear to me has come to me seeking help with their life, I’ve stayed true to the fact that they need to stay true to the most special person in it.  Whether it’s been a family member, a lover, or a friend, it’s all about holding the person you love the most as humanly close to your heart as possible.  Since entering college I’ve see tons of breakups lead only to confusion and emptiness.  And shortly after the departure, a reconciliation almost always happens, because the two people realize that the love they share isn’t meant to be pushed away, it’s meant to be embraced.

Love is a fucking hard road to tread.  It’s so hard because the urgency of two hearts longing to be one is some of the most excruciating pain a person can go through- finding the confidence and the strength to continue on sometimes feels impossible.  But what I always like to say is… just remember that you’re feeling that pain.  If you feel that pain for a person you adore- imagine how heavy that heart will feel without that person?  And on the upside, that grief is beautiful.  Your soul is so connected with another’s that it hurts.  That’s how hard you are loving.

It’s okay to “need” someone.  By lending your life to the hands of another, you are not being weak or pathetic.  You’re just being human.  We all need someone to lean on and it’s stupid to think we might not.  In the e-mail above, you’re reading the account of a girl who never thought “falling in love” was for her… you’re reading the account of probably the toughest, most independent girl I know… yet here she is experiencing her first true love in college and is willingly holding onto it with every single odd stacked against her.  And it’s all because she’s just being honest with herself and knows that when her love is in any way a part of her life, it’s the happiest she can possibly be.  And while maybe the time’s when he’s away it means it’s the saddest times of her life, she understands that true love is not something that just happens nor is true love something to just shrug off.  True love is something to fight for and something that cannot be replaced.  What’s more is that love comes with cute texts some mornings that say, “I dreamt of you last night.”  Love comes with phone calls that let you discuss anime tv shows like FLCL because no one else seems to enjoy it.  Love comes with the warmth of someone always being there to hold your hand and kiss your cold nose.  Love comes with tickle fights and a spilled hot tea that was made just for you.  Love comes with a permanent movie-watching partner and a food critic always eager to try new things.  Love comes with an attractive Indiana Jones prepared to always go on adventures.

Love comes with a partner for life that can make your circle become full.

Regardless of who you are, love makes everyone’s world turn.  I am 100% confident in that.  That’s how powerful it is.  If you’re feeling empty, if you’re feeling sad, if you’re feeling confused, afflicted, distressed, stressed, messed, or ANYTHING.  Let the love in.  Call a friend to say hi, text your girlfriend that you miss her, Skype with parents just to see their faces.  I know I’m jumping around here talking about all different sorts of love- from platonic to paternal to romantic- but it’s all love… and it’s all going to make you feel wonderful.  In my opinion it’s the romantic love that really fills you up the most… but love is love.  It feels fucking awesome no matter where you get it or how intense it is.

The Beatles didn’t totally nail it…  You need more than just love in your life.  You need a lot more.  But you wanna know something?  You still need love.

Thoughts On Fall

It’s a beautiful Fall day here in Wheaton, IL.  You never get to truly enjoy the seasons when you’re in the city- I didn’t even know the trees were turning color until this morning.  Fall is my favorite season- bar-none.  So many great things always happen in Autumn.  Why, the other day I got to enjoy a delicious Pumpkin Chai latte from Argo Tea and I plan to get many more from various coffeeshops.  The seasonal flavors within the culinary world are always a blast- my pumpkin scone from Starbucks two days ago was the bomb diggity. And then gosh, I love fall fashion.  For the past three days I’ve worn my brown pants with flip-flops and various shirts.  I’ve enjoyed it immensely.  And I got to bust out the ‘ol AOF sweatshirt (woo!) which felt only too right.

It’s times like these where I’m sitting in my room, alone in the house, writing, that the big picture comes into place.  City living just isn’t for me.  But settling down with a family in the suburbs and having three children with the woman of my dreams- that’s the big picture I’m waiting for.  I fantasize about raking leaves with my kids in the front yard and then jumping into the freshly made piles.  Or what about getting lost in a corn maze with everyone?  Or what about early morning cross country meets then going out to lunch afterwards at a place like Teddy’s Red Hots of Flip’s?  And then there’s Pumpkin carving, Thanksgiving, candy corn (which I’ve completely grown out of haha…), overcast skies, orange leaves- what isn’t there to love about Fall?

I do a great job of living in the here and the now.  But I just can’t get overly excited for it.  Because when I think of what my life can be in just two and a half short years… that’s so much more thrilling… and that’s the dream I don’t want to let go of.  I especially can’t wait for all the future Autumnal activities I’ll be enjoying with my family. :)

Mother’s Day

Just a quick note…

I had a dream last night about having a child.  I was a father to a little, gorgeous girl.  Her and I were just outside of the house, I was teaching her to walk.  She’d just started figuring it out so I was making sure she didn’t fall.  The whole time she had this huge smile and her arms were up at her chest so she could balance out.  I was having so much fun spending time with my little girl.  

It’s been quite some time since I thought about having kids…  But it certainly hasn’t changed that I can’t wait to have them.  I really do want my greatest achievement in life to be that I was the best husband/father my family could ask for.  I couldn’t tell you why, but my wife and my kids and the life we all have together will always mean more to me than anything else in the world.  

I’m going to go start my morning in Grant Park and see where it takes me.  Let the love in.

Rambles

It’s 3:30AM.

I need to be sleeping, but I woke up feeling so shitty and I needed to detox with an ice cold glass of juicy juice (diluted with water- makes for a very nice experience).  For some reason my mouth was so dry and tasted like poo and my shitty diet for the day wasn’t helping me.  So here I am, writing a bit just to wear me down so I’ll go back to sleep shortly.  I’m tired- just a bit stimulated from walking around for a bit a few minutes ago.

I have a great idea for a story I want to write at some point.

I don’t know what I’m going to do today… but I know I gotta go return Pineapple Express, see what the deal with Ghost Town is, go to Circuit City, and go to salvation army?  I’m dying to drum.  I got my new kick drum head and it sounds like puuuure gravy!  With just a few twists of the knob I can make it sound deep as balls.  Or if I tweak it right I can make it sound just perfect for my set- trebly enough to be pleasing, deep enough to sound full.  

I want to keep hanging with Glenn.  I’m enjoying his company severely- I just hope he feels the same way.  

My week with Harriet has humbled me quite a bit.  Knowing now more than ever that we have what it takes to not only live together, but honestly thrive and be incredibly happy together with only each other has made me see us differently.  I see us as so much stronger and more fulfilling than ever (and we were already perfect in those departments).  Her leaving has crushed me.  It’s hurt more than anything I can think of.  Trying to maintain being happy is taking all I’ve got.  I’m doing it!- it’s just taking a huge load of energy and effort.  

My dad made a video last night about me that was a collage of many many old videos I’d never seen before.  My first thoughts upon seeing them were how Harriet would be having the biggest smile across her face if she were to be in the same room watching with me.  When I saw the adorable picture of Isabelle on my fridge (you know, the classy ones people take at classy photo centers?), it made me melt and I wanted to call Harriet up right away and tell her, “Just so you know… I can’t wait to have a child with you.”

The blisters on my hand hurt so bad.
Opening my door leaves a stinging feeling in my palms they’re so worn.

I heard dad moving around a few minutes ago… he’s already in the shower.  He’s leaving for work in about thirty minutes.  Every time he comes home and plops himself in bed, in front of the t.v. is well-deserved in my opinion.  That man is allowed to crash at night if he so chooses.  I admit though- he doesn’t sleep much- I’m not sure if getting up this early is that big of a chore or issue for him.  If I had a wonderful family to provide for, I know I’d make any sort of sacrifice and give all the effort I could.  

I guess I’ll attempt sleep now.

Goodnight, light.

Latitude

Alright, let’s just do a heavy update.  I’ve got time and plenty to say… just gotta figure out how to say it.

Every day has been different.  I’ve never been bored and it’s nice.  Adjusting to life without Harriet is interesting… but it can be done.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I miss her at every second and if it were up to me?  She’d still be with me.  Having her by my side is what I want all the time more than anything.  But I have to make do with the fact that she isn’t here and I’m doing a nice job.  I’ve been playing lots of Halo, playing lots of guitar, having band practices, seeing people, and ignoring my mother.  It’s been swell.  So maybe I haven’t been doing much… but the time sure manages to pass by nicely.  I’ve been trying to call Harriet every day.  The worst thingt hat happened while I was in California was I semi forgot what her voice sounded like and that scared me for a bit.  All I could think of was what she looked like.  Even then (and now), I miss not being able to look so intently at her beautiful face and see all there is to it: all the curves, the freckles, the lines, the color.  I love that so dearly.  All I can really do is look at a picture or go into my memory bank.  Such deep details of her features aren’t nearly as mesmerizing when I can only look back on them.  Being there presently to take in her beauty is what’s remarkable. 

But yeah.  Back to my point of calling her every day: I never want her to forget what my voice sounds like.. and I know if she can hear it day to day, it makes all the words I write to her through texts and letters so much more real. 

We do a lot of cheesy things… like call to say goodnight before we both go to bed… watch movies together simultaneously… we were even gonna try to go to a same time showing of Tropic Thunder (before i went totally broke).  But I’m a-okay with that.  It’s what makes our love flourish.  Distance ain’t got nothing on us.  I’m okay with telling people I gotta kick them out by 9 cuz I got a movie date with my love… or even when allen was sleeping over I still called to say I love you and goodnight.  It doesn’t matter what others think.  Because when we’re living our perfect lives… we owe it to all these cheesy things that kept us so close when we were so far. 

Fuck I’m hungry.  We’ve got nothing really to eat in this house.  Mom doesn’t bother to keep anything good and she’s cut me of like all money so I can’t go out and either a) buy something or b) get food for the house.  I have to eat what’s here.  Which is nothing.  Or if there is sometihng it’s incredibly boring annd not worth my time.  I’d rather starve.

Dominick’s got back the sushi makers!  That makes me so happy.  A Dragon Roll cut into 12 for $8.  I am so sold.  I love that sushi… it made me so sad when they stopped having it.  All that imitation crab meat bullshit…  That’s not fucking sushi!  Anyone who thinks it is is not deserving of my time in the least.

Talking to Mikey right now.  Trying to get RTA managed.  Looks like I succeeded.  Gosh, RTA is soaring.  We’re going to do epic things.
Apollo’s Dream is back in action, temporarily.  We’re gonna get this album/ep done.
Appastar is always doing good things.
And Par-T-Rex should be doing some cool stuff in the near future.  That’s four bands I’m affiliated with!  I love ittt.

i love anime so much.  I miss not being able to watch it since my account is temporarily on hold thanks to my mom not getting me a new credit card cuz I’m “irresponsible”… which isn’t true in the least.  She’s just a fuck who thinks she knows me.  Lately I’ve been showing my true colors around her and she’s getting a little scared.  She’s realizing she doesn’t know me at all and the lack of talking I do with her must make her upset.  Steven and DJ came over yesterday and I didn’t tell her at all.  DJ came over the day before while Allen was over and I didn’t tell her.  I walk up to her and say, “We’re going out, be back.”  Whatever questions she has, I answer… but I don’t ask anymore.  I do.  I’m sick of all her bullshit.  Warning me about things.. treating me like I’m such a young child… giving me advice that is the worst I’ve ever heard…  I can’t wait to go into college.  Freshman year is the beginning of my tie cutting… sophomore year is the last cut.  That’s the plan.  I hope to move in with Allen and Tim sophomore year and be truly living on my own. 

I’m worried about getting a job.  I want one really badly… but I’m already so busy with music + seeing Harriet that I need a flexible job.  I guess what I gotta do is apply everywhere, see what works, and just be happy with wherever I am, knowing I’ve got flexibility and money.  Yeah.  That’s the mentality I need.  I’d love to work at Gamestop- always have wanted to.  But I don’t think they’d want me… and I refuse to work at Dominick’s or Jewel.  There’s a Whole Foods near me I do believe… I wouldn’t hate working there.  I could easily work 16 hours a week there.  I dunno.  Just gotta apply apply apply.  I’m starting at Demitasse first.  Just to get some easy money rather quickly. 

Ugh.  Thinking all this college stuff over makes my head hurt.  I hate contemplating it and not knowing the reality.  I’m so confused because I really don’t know what to expect.  I just wanna dive head first into it all and get it sorted out now.  I’m okay with summer ending.  My summer ended when Harriet left.  I just want school to come so I can have some fucking clarity.

Anyways.  I’m gonna go.  See you.

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