First Real Blog In… well, Ages.

November 30, 2008 at 9:40 am (life)
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’m pretty stinkin’ tired.  All I want to do is keep sleeeeeping!  I don’t want to go to work or do anything significant like that.  I either want to get back into bed sleep?  Or have my baby come online and we can talk for a while.  I didn’t sleep very well at all last night.  I was so thirsty and had no relief and it got too warm because you can’t really turn on the A/C right now during winter (cold air just won’t come out!) and in the end I just didn’t get that great of sleep.

The battery to my mac came yesterday!  It finally charges now!  YAY!  During the flight to New Orleans I plan to get a lot of Harriet’s gift out of the way.  I haven’t been working on it at all and I fear I won’t come even close to finishing it since I’ve slacked off thus far.

This week is going to be a freaking busy one.

I’ve got quite the essay to write up for writing class… I’ve got a big ‘ol quiz monday… I’ve got to send back my old, defunct battery to apple… I’ve got to indulge in Shin Megami Tensei… I have to workout… I’m gonna have to start working on my new millennium studies creative project four…  It doesn’t look like much, but a lot of it’s going to be very time consuming (I’m looking at you Creative project) and I have to somehow get it all done before Thursday (or cram like hell on sunday evening and monday morning).  Oh. right.  I’ve got my into to audio final next monday too: I’m gonna need to study HARDcore for that.  And that means I’ve probably also got my production final next week too!  Yes.  I am a busy boy.  But that’s okay.

I looove the new set-up in my room.  I got rid of a lot of unnecessary stuff and brought in a few necessary things.  Despite the broken christmas lights on my floor, my space looks a lot cleaner because of it.  I’ve got my ps2 and t.v. on my desk now- organized perfectly.  The beautiful massing of stuff on my desk feels very homely.  It feels like tihs is truly MY space.  I could sit in this one little area and be completely happy no matter what- kinda like how my room was at home.  I’d always designed it so that I never had to leave that room if I didn’t want to.  Not because I’m a hermit or anything- those closest to me know I’m CLEARLY not that.  But it’s just like.. it’s my room!  My room is my kingdom.  I want it to always be awesome and feel so safe.  My dorm felt very… empty for a while.  Now it feels full!  I really really like my desk the way it is now because it radiates comfort.  I dunno- my thoughts on this I feel are coming out weirdly.  

I’ve realllly got to get going to work… but I just can’t find it in me to actually get up and leave.  I’m terrified of going to work.  I just DON’T want to go!  I’m also terrified of spending money.  I spent too much money this weekend and am going to have to keep spending money- I need water and shampoo!

BTW- I used this shampoo by Aussie for wavy hair?  Wooow did it do wonders!  My hair is so easily affected by different shampoos.  Like, when I used my pantene today?  It makes my hair so soft that it eventually curls a bit.  But the Aussie stuff was being mega cool and makingmy hair.. well.. kinda wavy!  And it was groovy as hell.  So I really want to go buy that.  And I think the dryness of my face is gone?  Hoorayness.  I gotta keep lotioning my body- not only so Harriet can have a smooth body to sleep next to and touch- but I gotta admit- those legs of mine are just tooo gross and dry looking.  Once they’re moisturized though they look just fine.  So I have to keep that up.

Anyways- before I leave for work I think I want to listen to the songs I recorded yesterday.  Hear how they’re shaping up.  I’ve been rushing too much to record them- I have yet to truly listen and I’m convinced they sound kinda crappy… but I think that’s just because I haven’t listened to them properly yet.  My timing was kinda off too with the drums.  The songs I recorded are a tad bit slower than usual and I kept rushing- kept wanting to go faster!  But I couldn’t!  So sometimes I did and if fucked things up.  

I really don’t like my vox amp for recording.  Last night I was super tired and was having a hard time doing ANYTHING… so hopefully today will be a better day for recording.  Well.. semi take that back.  I don’t think I’ll be doing any recording… I’ve got such a stupidly busy day.

First it’s work.  Then meet with allen to discuss our friendship.  Then hang with Tim to play musicks and catch up.  THen when I come home?  Work out.  Need to study.  Start paper.  And come on- I’m going to definitely have to take some time out for myself as well and just… enjoy some Nocturne or talk to Harriet.

I dunnoo.  Busy day.  Kinda wish it weren’t.  Wish I had more time for myself.  But whaaaatevs.  It be cool.  Okay, off I go.

BYE.

Leave a Comment

Private Kingdom

February 18, 2008 at 9:43 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My mom sent out an e-mail to all her friends saying I got into Columbia.  Me getting into Columbia is the most accomplished I’ve ever felt.  My dad was so happy.  My mom was.  All these people are responding to the e-mail saying, “Wow!  That’s fantastic! You must be so proud!”  And while like, sure, it’s just Columbia… an arts school.  No one doubted I’d get in… some comments were like, “He’s going to be another great alum from that school, I just know it,” or, “He’s worked so hard to get into that school, congrats.”  And that’s what makes me feel accomplished.  I always say that I work hard, but am I really?  Who says my perception on the matter is the truthful one?  Well… apparently other people see it as well.  And that’s something to feel great about.

Another thing I realized was that like, for the longest time, I was always scoffed at for my ambitions.  I was told to “get my head out of the clouds” and focus on “real jobs”.  I always gave a big “fuck you” to anyone who questioned me, but the ridicule was still there.  However, I realized that I’m no longer told to change my ways.  1 of 2 things (or both) happened I feel: either a) people saw I was too determined to do anything else with my life than what I crave to do or b) people finally started to see maybe I have just what it takes to do all that I desire.  Either way… life is taking off and I’m pretty sure I’m strapped in rather tight.

Hm, it would appear this is one of those blogs where maybe I’ll get accused of just “talking about how awesome I am”, but whatever.  I’ve got my thoughts and I’m pretty sure no one ever told me I can’t express them as freely as I choose.  I’m not hurting anyone, am I?  I’m not doing anything wrong…  I dunno, life is very awesome and I feel like I work very hard to put myself in these awesome circumstances, so I should have full reign to gloat to a pointless weblog whenever I feel.  I mean, I practically kill myself sometimes for music.  I give all that I have to Harriet.  I’m always thinking about my friends.  Hell, I sit here and blog a lot so I can work on my writing and continually practice recording my thoughts and honing my eloquency.  But I guess I am an easy target to chew up.  I make a lot of enemies.

As I mentioned in a xanga blog the other day… I drift.  It’s hard for me to stay involved in people’s lives.  It’s just my character.  Unless people keep me close, I can be gone so quickly…  So when that happens, people get upset with me and I’m left to seem like this huge ogre.  But I dunno… in the wake of my abscences, I like to think I always leave a lot of good.  I don’t want to mention anything because I guess a lot more people read this than I know (especially my facebook notes), but I know fully well that I’ve done a lot of good for certain people who are in my life and who have been a part of my life… and maybe they don’t realize it because they’re too focused on how I’m just a crappy friend who ditched them.  But that’s where I’m different than most people… just because I leave a circle of friendship, doesn’t mean I’m not against ever coming back in.  It doesn’t mean I hold any bitterness or aggression towards them.  I just drifted… fell out… and figured I wasn’t allowed back in. 

Well, whatever.  I’m starving at this point.  Needd foods!

Leave a Comment

Weekend Teachings

February 3, 2008 at 10:36 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I love love you.
you love love mE.

this weekend has shown me a lot.
taught me a little bit about myself.
and how I really do believe in myself,
my relationships,
my words,
my actions,
my feelings,
my dreams,
my goals,
my direction.

I fear nothing.
for I believe in all that I do.
and all that I do will ensure the happiness I desire.

Leave a Comment

Assuming Too Much

February 2, 2008 at 11:37 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: ,

So I’m wayyy too tired to try writing… but I’ve officially gotta say something before I forget these thoughts.

Nick and I aren’t talking right now.  Whether he meant it this way or not, here’s why Nick and I aren’t talking: he said something along the lines of, “Being with Apollo’s Dream and Appastar is an okay excuse to not hang out with me.  Being with Harriet isn’t.”  Before we could really talk the situation over, he just signed off the internet and we haven’t spoken since.  And I really don’t care to try it out either… If he’s going to be immature like that and start getting jealous… then shit, I’m sorry, how can I be best friends with someone if he won’t support me and my decisions?  I still see Nick rather often.  I still talk to him every day at school and online.  Where’s the problem?

It started a while back.  I noticed him definitely getting jealous of me and my life (note, whether or not all this info is true, I don’t know, but it sure seems as such).  I have two successful bands.  I’m musically gifted.  Got an amazing girlfriend.  I’m a talented writer.  I’ve got visions that know no bounds…  I really do feel Nick started to envy me.  Some of his comments and actions led me to believe so.  Now that all my time is occupied with either Harriet or my bands… I guess it hurts him too much.  And I understand completely… I really do.  But at the same time… he just doesn’t get it.  He’s always pushing “our” band Devil Rapist on me, and I keep trying to get the point across that it’s not working out and it never will.  We both like different kinds of music and I totally don’t play the kind of music he likes.  And he keeps telling me to listen to the stuff and learn it and we can have an awesome band!  But… I don’t want to.  I’m not going to change my musical stylings and preferences to suit a band I have zero drive to do anything with.  Appastar and Apollo’s Dream.  THat’s it.  Even Romancing the Angels is totally on the backburner cuz I’m so busy.  And like, the more he pushes DR on me and all of the differences in our personalities, the more I just see no need to see him.  We really are drifting apart… and now Nick just made the separation that much more dramatic and fast.

What Nick doesn’t get and what Nick couldn’t hear because he signed off… was that Harriet does mean more to me than him.  It will devastate him to know this… and I’m going to tell him if it ever comes up…  But shit.  it’s obvious.  Harriet and I have way more in common.  we have way better times.  Nick and mine’s friendship thrived on one thing: we were both real.  we always told the truth and said what was on our mind’s.  But now there’s someone in my life who provides such a better foundation for friendship.  The second Harriet and I met you knew there was something special happening.  And what Nick never saw was that even like, Allen, chris, and Tim are better friends.  I just never see them.  And he’s always ragging on John that he can’t see that I love the kid.  And I don’t think he realizes how much I adore Glenn, either. 

There’s the biggest problem of our friendship: it seems that Nick never took the time to realize that there are other people in my life.  And when he goes ahead and blames our troubled times on Harriet… that’s such a low blow.  I have said “no” to him so many times on account of so many other people.  Why is it that Harriet is the only person that bothers him?  Even when I was supposed to be spending the day with Harriet once, I stopped over at Nick’s house to see him… to spend some time with him.  I guess that meant nothing to him…

I dunno, I’ve done so much for this friendship.  I have stood by this kid through when he temporarily lost his best friend and I stood by him when he told me about his aspirations to do great things with his life.  If he wants to treat me this way, then so be it.  Because if he wants to talk this over, I will.  But according to last night… and for however long this has been bothering him… he doesn’t.

Nick also needs to think about people like Vicky, Tayler, and Jimmy.  People who openly tell me they love me yet they can’t even reach out and give me a hug.  What about Syed and Derek?  We’re like brothers and I rarely see them.  How about Will?  I never see him.  All these people love me… yet we are hardly together or never together.  And nick’s bent outta shape because I don’t see him every weekend like I used to?  Because I won’t spend more than four hours with him?  The kid needs some perspective right now. 

So yeah.  There are my thoughts on the matter.  A little shocking and sometimes way too honest?  Definitely.
But that’s where Nick and mine’s friendship started… so will my honesty now be the thing that ends it?  Or will it be the thing that brings clarity to this cloudy mess?

I suppose we’ll find out if we ever get a chance to discuss things.  Because I’d like to.

1 Comment

Hello, New Year.

December 30, 2007 at 11:40 pm (relationships)
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I said I’d wait a long time to blog… but it’s been a couple days and I’d like to just sort my head out right now.  Not in a bad way though!  Oh no… not in the least.  It’s time I wrote about some rather auspicious dealings going on.

The first thing I kinda want to address is my friendship with Nick.  For a while there I was worried about us.  It seemed that we just weren’t really clicking as well as we used to.  I never once intentionally ditched him or distanced myself from him, but it was more of a natural thing happening.  However, when I went over for Christmas and have now seen him the past two days, I remember now why we’re such good friends.  Sure, we listen to different music.  Have different tastes in music.  Have different ideals, opinions, etc. etc.  But in the end you just can’t beat the company of someone who’s real and genuine.  Somehow we found a way to care about one another and when someone cares about you, it’s impossible to deny their company.  So I’m proud and happy to admit that things with Nick are as good as ever.  And they will remain so.

Speaking of being good though, I couldn’t be happier with the way things are going with Harriet.  I’m really warming up to her.  That’s an awkward statement because it suggests a lot of different things… but basically, I’m starting to really be comfortable with her in a romantic sense.  I’m not afraid to grab her hand at random times or give her a hug whenever I feel like it.  I’m okay with leaning in and kissing her without a thought and telling her whatever comes to my head.  Things have always been so easy with her on a conversational level, now things are so easy on a romantic level.  I’ve seen her so much over break and she’s been to my house every day except today since my toe got worked on.  That speaks volumes to me.  She even almost came over today!  I’m so happy to have her in my life.  But I must say, going just one day without her made me miss her.  It was nice though to miss her… because it wasn’t in a “Oh my gosh, I’m so sad without her!” deal.  It was a “Damn I miss that girl, I certainly can’t wait to see her next.”  Which is really good to feel, if you ask me.  This relationship just transcends anything I’ve ever been apart of or felt before.  As I’ve mentioned before in past blogs…. this is the real deal here.  This isn’t some sham that is held up by splintering wood beams.  This is a skyscraper leading to the stars that can’t be knocked over by the strongest of forces.  Just thinking about her and what we have can make me smile and warm this soul of mine. 
Tomorrow we’ll be ringing in the New Year together.  You’ll be hardpressed to find a happier man on the planet when that moment comes.

But yes, tomorrow.  New year’s eve.  My oh my do I have lots planned!

Glenn’s coming over around 9:30- baller!  We’re just spending the day together doing whatever and recording.  You can bet a lot of Asian stuff will be going down- sugoi!  We’re probably even going to Todai with Joan! Hooray!  Glenn means a lot to me.  I’ll be glad to spend so much time with him.  Nay, I’ll be overjoyed to spend so much time with him.

And this is why life is so wonderful.  I have barely said a tihng about me.  This entire blog is about other people.  Other people who provide so much excitement and happiness.  God is watching over me and is blessing me every day.  This I am sure of… so always pray for you, I will.

I really want to keep going on with this blog, but I have nothing else to really ramble on about except about how happy I am.  2007 was a fantastic year.  It was filled with a lotttt of excitement, both bad and good.  It had a million and one new beginnings.  2008 is the year where I see everything I’ve started just bloom into a huge field of flowers.

You can bet I’m excited.

p.s.- Syed told me a story today that made me simply melt with glee.  “My mom woke me up at 10 today and said, ‘let’s go visit your friend in the hospital!’  I had to explain to her that you were out of work till the 8th, not in the hospital.”  Syed’s mom asks about me a lot… yet I’ve never even met the woman.  And apparently she oddly cares about me too.  That’s so interesting/endearing to hear. 

Hah… I love you, life.  And I love all of you people in it.

Shine your pretty smile all over town.

2 Comments

« Older entries