October 23, 2009 at 8:38 am (religion)
Tags: church, God, religion
I’m going home for the weekend in about 40 minutes and it just occurred to me that there’s something I want to do while I’m home that I haven’t done since the end of summer. I want to go to mass. I miss God and I miss our close relationship. If you talk to hardcore Catholics, they’ll say things like, “The arts are the devil! They make you grow away from God.” Which… really isn’t too much of a far cry. That’s exactly why I’ve grown distant from my religion; I’ve been too fucking busy to have a moment where I just let all my thoughts roam- which is usually how I talk to God. Before when I used to talk to myself it always felt like I was in a dialogue with God- like He’s always there in my soul whether I want Him to be or not. But now when I talk to myself… it feels like talking to myself. And I don’t want it to be that way! Granted, I’m still blessed wonderfully. I definitely said this past weekend a couple times, “You work in SUCH mysteries ways, my man…” But I miss that dialogue with Him and I want to try and work at getting it back. One awesome step I can take is to go to mass.
Now, the truth is… I don’t like mass. I don’t like how it’s a forced weekly event meant to bring us closer to Him. And you know me, if it’s technically mandatory, then I’m going to look AND run the other way. But I will give mass this credit: there is no other place in the world where you can feel closer to God. When you’re looking for Him and when you’re in the right space, a church can fill you up with something good like nowhere else can. And quite frankly, I am in need of that right now. Well… not NEED. I’m doing extremely well right now. In fact, my heart & soul feels more in place than it has for a while now. But I WANT that religious fulfillment. Through prayer very many years ago, my life got better. Whether it was God truly working to make my life better because He saw my goodness or prayer is just some false empowerment, it works. When I go through the steps to see myself closer to God, I feel awesome.
“You can count the Christians on one hand at this school.”
Count me in.
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April 26, 2008 at 11:06 pm (harriet)
Tags: God, harriet, love
Strike the comment I made in the last blog about seeing Harriet. It wasn’t weird. It was glorious. All the hugging and kissing and talking I wanted to do was reciprocated fantastically. As I really should have known… it was foolish of me to think otherwise. We love each other… immensely… I just let the idea that she was gone for three days and us basically not say a word to each other rack my brain too much.
And after tonight… yeah. Nothing can stop us.
Except for God. He controls all. But I’m rather convinced He’s on our side. In a big way.
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March 20, 2008 at 10:30 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: abuse, appastar, band practice, debby, divorce, faith, God, harriet, love, optimism, pain
Debby is like a mother to me. I wish she were my mother. I envy her sons. I envied her husband. She is such an amazing person… and they all get to be with her whenever they please. I so badly wish I had that much connectivity with her…
But now, tonight. After months of silence. After I sent a long letter with no response and after I sent an e-mail today just randomly during school hours… I received information that pretty much has left me beyond shocked.
She’s a victim of abuse. She’s getting the divorce settled as we speak. She’s now jobless thanks to the motherfuckers at St. James. And she seems rather pessimistic about the future. Her last line was, “I know God is testing me… but I think this is one I may not pass.”
And you know what? Until she responds… I can’t do a damned thing about it. She told me to “Pardon the typing” because she is typing with a cast on her right arm thanks to surgery she got on it because of the abuse. The cast was rubbing the incisions so it hurt. Writing me back caused her pain, dammit.
I hope to God, very literally, I can see her… and see her soon. I have no other wish right now than to give her the world’s most comforting and warming hug ever.
I don’t even know how to feel… I tell this woman I love her. I hug her. She showers me with kisses.
I see her maybe once a year if I’m lucky… and I talk to her every blue moon.
Yet I see my mother every single day and none of the aforementioned actions take place between us. I reluctantly hug her goodbye every so often when she asks for it…
Why do bad things happen to fucking amazing people? She deserves none of this… none whatsoever…
Ah. On another note.
Band practice was fucking rad tonight.
And then seeing Harriet later proved to be nothing short of… amazing.
“I can’t sit still with you in every dream.”
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March 10, 2008 at 7:41 pm (God, harriet)
Tags: columbia, God, harriet, life, money
So I kinda don’t want to dwell on it because it makes me depressed… I was just watching digimon, I’ve got nujabes on, and later I’m gonna play Patapon… so I want to maintain that good mood! but I must express my feelings right now on a matter.
Today I got probably some of the greatest news of my life. I can’t share it with you… only one other person knows about it and only one other person is ever going to know about it. But let’s just say I’m on easy street big time as far as going to college. And… I hate it. Who decided that I was going to be so blessed? Who decided that I deserve all that I’ve been given? Sure, I’ve worked hard to be a good person. I’ve worked hard at the relationships I have to ensure such happiness. I’ve worked hard at my talents to create wonderful things. But seriously now… how am I THIS blessed?? Someone like Harriet deserves such a reward way more than I ever could. I dunno… I love where I am. I looove this life I’m leading. But now I feel too blessed. I feel like I don’t deserve anything I have. I almost want to call Harriet, break up with her, tell my parents I’m not going to college, quit all my bands, and just give up on everything because I want other people to have the opportunities I have. I’m sure someone else out there deserves Harriet’s incredible love way more than I do. I’m sure someone else out there deserves the chance to go to Columbia way more than I do. I’m sure someone else out there can do a much better job in Appastar and Apollo’s Dream than I can.
Blah. Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much… but… would you mind helping out some other people too? I feel like I’m the only one being so blessed out of my friends sometimes…
I’m gonna do sometihng super nice for Harriet soon. I wanna take her to Nami again and just experiment/splurge like it’s no one’s business. Hmm. I just cashed in big time for my birthday. Like. Hugely. And I was wondering what to do with that money… I was just gonna put it in the bank. but now I’m thinking… maybe I’ll just use that money to help Harriet and I enjoy the time we have together so much more. I’m not saying money can buy us happiness… but moeny can help us just like, do anything and everything we wanna do. There’s no issue of “Ugh, i dont have any money. we cant go out.” Or, “that’s too expensive.” Ah! I’ll get those sweeney todd tickets!
Hah… maybe that’s why I’m so blessed. I get an assload of money and what do I do? Think of how to use it on Harriet to make our time together that much more exciting…
Love you, sweetheart.
Love you, God.
Love you, world.
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February 7, 2008 at 10:04 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: cell phones, dad, family, God, harriet, mom, Romancing The Angels, this new day
Gotta make this quick cuz I need sleep…
but it really is weird how one of the shittiest days ever can be made so good because in all that sadness… I saw some amazing feats of character. Harriet was right there for me when I got into it with my mother on the phone. As I was deduced to tears she wrapped her arms around me and just held me… she didn’t say anything. I didn’t want her to say anything. She did exactly what I could have hoped for… she was just… there. In that moment I had never felt so loved or adored and was made so much better knowing I have such a wonderful love in my life.
Then my dad called me wanting to talk… and he listened to me. He listened to everything I had to say… and offered to me advice I accepted fully and appreciated. And then I suddenly felt more refreshed than I ever had in a long time.
I got home and recorded the latest/greatest version of This New Day and I couldn’t be more satisfied with myself. Today threw a lot into perspective and I hope to approach tomorrow with the widest smiles and arms. I haven’t been able to do that for a while…
My life is… back on track. I think. I hope. I pray.
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