A Little Bit of Rebellion.

Harriet called me right as I got out of class.  She called to let me know what’s up with her new painting.  It’s basically going to portray a rebellion and her main inspiration is the Untitled album by blink-182.  Just by talking about it I decided to go home and put it on immediately.  The production values on that record are so big and the songwriting is pretty much flawless.  When it first dropped in 2003 it was a huge inspiration to my life and even today that stands true.  And I guess the point I’m trying to make with this blog is that everyone has something in their life that inspires them… whether it’s a movie, a book, a friend, a song– there’s always SOMETHING that can make a person tick.  One of those things for me is blink-182.  They set me on the path that I follow today and I’ll never forget it.  I may find tons of new bands and get addicted to plenty of them, but you can never forget your roots.  You can never forget what made you who you are.

I write and play music endlessly because blink-182 gave me a voice.  I believe that I can achieve anything I want to and shape the world to my liking because Tom’s words empower me.  I feel that I can be a successful artist, music producer, and business entrepaneur because Mark is able to do it too.

Maybe it’s stupid of me to be so heavily influenced by a band. But at least I’m influenced by something.  Blink is just a firestarter for my passion– the celestial fire inside me is all innate and a blessing from God I nurture in my own way.  And with the way my life is going and the decisions I’ve been making as of late– that vision for the future is well on its way.  The blisters on my hand are telling me so.

I’m done trying to let the world around me figure itself out.  I’m making the decisions now.

Sleeping With John Mayer While He Posts a Blog

I’ve been having a ridiculously hard time sleeping lately.  Either something is noisy and keeping me up, I’ve got too much on my mind, or I just can’t find it in me to fall asleep.  I can’t remember the last time I actually fell asleep before 3AM and I just want it to stop.  I tried so hard to go to bed early last night and what do you know… I tossed and turned until about 2:45.  And like, for whatever reason, last night I’d fall asleep for five minutes then wake up totally awake.  It was bizarre.  I think what kept me up the most was my mind.  I started thinking about how Harriet used to call me “sweetie” and her “baby boy.”  I started thinking about how badly I miss that.

“Sweetiee.”  ”Yess?” “Oh nothing.  I just want your attention.”

Then I started imagining I was playing Modern Warfare and went through the motions in my head of dominating on Rust.  Yes- you are looking at an MW champ right here.  I got first place three times yesterday, all with a commanding lead.  I’m really starting to get used to Modern Warfare’s mechanics.  But, going back to my main point, then there I was only by 3am falling asleep and fuck!  It has to stop.  I’m hoping tonight I’ll come home from class, eat dinner, work out, read, and be asleep by 1:30 at THE latest.  Clearly my body is used to going to bed at 3, so I gotta at least just take some baby steps on working my way to an earlier time.  Because you know, last semester, Erik and Joe would always get on my case about not wanting to hang out very late and I always pleaded I really just enjoyed the morning hours so much better than the late night hours.  And now that I’ve experienced both fully, I stand by it: life just feels better when you’re awake for even hours of daylight and nighttime.  It’s a bit more fulfilling I guess you could say.

But yeah, enough about sleep!  Today John Mayer’s new album, Battle Studies, dropped!  I’ve heard two songs so far and I’m not impressed… but c’mon.  It’s John Mayer.  He’s written 3 super awesome albums to date, is he really gonna drop the ball on CD number 4, randomly?  It’s my guess that once I hear the LP quality and get into the nitty gritty details of his music, I’ll definitely come to appreciate it.

So I had a talk with Joe yesterday about my blogs and WHY I blog.  He said he enjoys reading them and I thought that was rad.  And you know, if you go back and look at old posts, I’d get people all the time going, “I completely agree with what you have to say.”  People I don’t even KNOW were finding my blogs and just reading them, commenting on them.  That used to happen because I’d share my feelings without restraint, I’d come onto WordPress to vent, rant, rave, and just chat.  I don’t do that anymore.  I come to WordPress usually with a purpose because as I get older, I do start feeling like the “update blogs” are kinda pointless.  Well now I’m here to call “bullshit!” on the matter.  It’s so much fun looking back on old posts to see exactly how I felt and exactly what I was doing like… 3 years ago.  I can’t do that for the past year of my life because a) I stopped getting personal with my blogs and b) as already stated, I’m starting to find certain types of blogs stupid.  but you know, when I write “about my day”… it’s not necessarily for “present me” to enjoy.  That comes 2 or 3 years down the line when I look back and go, “No shit- I totally remember that now!”  So I’m really going to take an initiative to just post ‘lil updates here when I can.  A lot of my life is flying by without any type of documentation and it’s really sad that I’m not getting some of the details down.

Anyways, thanks to my dumb ass sleeping schedule, it’s now 11:20 and I’ve got lots I want to do before I go to class from 3:30-9:20.  So bounce, I must!  Gonna start things off with getting John Mayer’s new album.  Expect a review up as soon as I have some concrete thoughts. :)

au revoir!  Have a great day.

End of the Office.

***SPOILER ALERT***

I just finished Season 5 of the Office, bringing me fully up to date with the series.  It was one heck of a quick ride, ploughing through all those episodes.

Hah, I’m trying to get my words out properly here but I just can’t do it.  I’m not in a very writer-y mood.  Here’s the skinny of what I’m trying to say: Pam ends up finding out that she’s pregnant in the very last moments of the last episode and the way Jim and her react together is nothing but sweet.  And I don’t mean the sweet as in like, “dude, that is so rad!”  I mean, sweet like a second grader offering his female crush a handful of picked dandelions at recess.  The way Jim reacts is nothing short of how I’ll react and whenever I see stuff like that, I freak out on the inside and just get lost in my own daydreams.  That’s why I loved Away We Go and Marley & Me.  That’s why I got caught up in HIMYM so quickly and even the Office.  When I can see myself in something, I get attached quickly.  When I see Harriet and I in something, I get attached even quicker.  And that ending to Season 5 of the Office was just a smile and a half for me.  I think I squealed a tiny bit out of joy.

Things are really tough right now… that’s all I’m going to say.  But that big picture is still nice and bright.  When I see my wedding day… or the mother of my children… or just the rest of my life flying by…  There’s still only one person who absolutely has to be there through it all.  And no matter what we’re going through right now, I just know she’s going to be there in the end.

Her handwriting on my mug even says so.

Just an updateizzle.

What to say, what to say.  It’s 2:08AM.  Been going to bed around 3 as of late and it MUST STOP.  I’m getting way too tired in the day and my bed here just isn’t comfortable enough so as to allow me to rest up properly.  Every day pretty recently I’ve been having blood-shot eyes by around 8:30, 9PM.  I swore the other day that I’d be going to bed so much earlier, but awesome-ass things just keep emerging and I’m engaged until the super early morning hours.  Tonight’s distraction away from sleep was Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure blogs, forums, Facebook statuses, and Twitters are all a-buzz with MW2 updates.  But shit.  It really is a cultural phenomenon within the gaming world.  Jon told me that 5 million people bought it at its LAUNCH at MIDNIGHT.  5 million people in the U.S. lined up for it.  Ain’t that crazy?  Let’s do the math on that.

$59.99 x 5,000,000 = $299,950,000.  Yeah.  This game is equally making over $300 mil.  Isn’t that crazy to think about?  Just on the FIRST MORNING it amassed $300 mil.  To date, Men In Black, the movie, has made less than $600 million.  Movies are universal enjoyment… video games are definitely a niche.  To me that’s pretty stellar.  Like, just imagine that kinda success.  I know my name isn’t attributed to anything jaw-dropping.  I mean, I’ve had some poetry published… and I’ve had my music on the radio twice… but whatever.  Nothing worth writing home about… yet.

Definitely this past week I’ve been seeing myself in a different light musically.  It pretty much all started Monday with my performance of One More Time at Kafein.  My stage antics still suck and I can’t talk to an audience worth a damn… but I still killed that song and Joe was definitely singing it long after I was done playing.  His words at the Harrison stop were, “Dammit!  That song is so catchy!”  You’re damn right its. :)  And then yesterday at band practice with Brett and Shawn, I had Brett saying multiple times, “I swear dude, I feel like I could cry- you’re amazing!”.  And jamming last night with Joe at 1 in the morning?  Yeah.  I came up with some super sick stuff on drums.  Oh!  And back up a bit, I believe I had Paul grinning from ear to ear when he heard the drums I wanted to add to his new songs for the Stellanecks.  Just… fuck yeah.  I’m in a very good place musically, and now that I’m taking the time as of late to really practice my instruments, I’m starting to feel very, very accomplished.

Speaking of Paul, I met with him last night to discuss what’s going to be happening with his band the Stellanecks and the recording of their album, “Sweep the Sky.”  It was a really good brainstorming session and the one thing I loved most was his comment about me.  I forgot why he said this to Dom (the other member), but Paul’s words were, “Dude, I know Mort.  He’s gonna give us all he’s got and work harder for us than anyone else possible, just busting his balls to get us the best album we can.”  It was really endearing to know that that’s how he views me.  Lately I’ve been feeling kinda lame in terms of my success, but I really feel like it’s just been due to a lack of inspiration.  Nothing has been inspiring me as of late.  All my fuel used to come from Harriet’s love.  It just got me going like crazy.  And without it I need to find some sort of new muse.  The last album I heard that got me amped was This Will Be the Death of Us by Set Your Goals.  While Raditude, Armistice, and even Lost In Suburbia have been super sick albums that I’m a huge fan of… they haven’t inspired me.  And shit.  It’s been forever since I’ve seen a movie or an anime that really got my creative juices pumping.  I’ve exhausted a lot of good art this past year… it’s safe to say I’m in a dryspell and just need to let this drought happen.

So what exactly AM I doing creatively these days? I’m playing in Brett Cooper’s band on bass, I’m reading/playing through a Motown Bass Charts book, I’m playing for the Window Theatre, I’ll be recording the Stellanecks, I’m reading The Gunseller by Hugh Laurie, I’m trying to write blogs about zen teachings, and I’ll be devoting a lot of time very soon to experimenting with Pro Tools 7 LE.  Word up.

Right now I’m listening to the music from Samurai Champloo.  Such good music… such a great anime.  I miss those days where I had so much new/good anime to consume.  I’m at that point in my life where it’s very difficult to find a new anime because it seems I’ve watched all the good ones.  I think the last show I watched that was great was like… Magikano.  And that was last semester.  Sad day!  I haven’t even watched a Japanese film in forever.  Been meaning to watch My Neighbors the Yamadas and 9 Souls with Harriet.  Hopefully that’ll still happen.  But I wanna watch something I haven’t SEEN.  I tried watching this documentary on Akihabara, but it was just such a shoddy production that I didn’t have to determination to sit through it.  Twas cool… nothing more.

However, tonight I started watching this fucked up movie called SALO (or, the 120 Days of Sodom).  I really don’t care for it, but the stuff happening on screen is so interesting and depraved that I can’t bring myself to turn it off.  Basically, it’s this true story (I think- otherwise there’s no way a plotline of this caliber would make it onto the Criterion Collection) about how these boys and girls were captured and taken away to a private Italian Villa where these fascist leaders set up a type of sexual retreat where they were allowed to do whatever they pleased to the kids.  And basically it’s a TON of homosexual sodomy occurring randomly and usually painfully.  It’s not exactly cringe-worthy… but it is most definitely one of those movies that’ll have you saying, “What the fuck?” quite a bit.  I dunno.  Do I recommend it?  Nah.  But if you’re looking for something controversial and something that’s gonna stomp, jump, and destroy a bunch of taboos- then Salo’s your movie.

Yeah.  p.s.- it’s been a while since I’ve seen a great movie.  Anti Christ is totally one of the best movies of the year/potentially one of my all-time faves- but it was just so insane that I feel like I didn’t enjoy it WHILE I was there.  It’s one of those movies that yes- if I think about it, it’s a beautifully haunting film.  But I have a hard time admitting that it was so good just because of the subject matter.  Haha… I really do want to see it again so badly- that imagery is STILL stuck with me.  But at the same time, the movie is exhausting to sit through.  Part of me doesn’t know if I can have the strength to endure it’s brief hour and a half runtime again.  Fantastic Mr. Fox and 2012 are out.  I really want to see those.  Fantastic Mr. Fox is reviewing incredibly well and 2012 just looks like an onslaught of mindless fun.  Saw Donna today- she said This Is It is phenomenal and Kirby said the same, so you know me and the Duemigs will be making a trip to the theatre for that one.

Anyways, this has been a pretty lame blog and I’m super tired, so I should just grab some shuteye.  But… even though I find these types of blogs “stupid” nowadays… I really should do them more often.  I’m going to kick myself so hard when I have basically all of my highschool career documented here through my WordPress blogs, yet none of my collegiate career.  Granted, there’s been a lot going on that I really have purposefully chosen to neglect writing about.  But I can’t keep doing that.  Life is filled with joy, sadness, triumphs, defeat- I need to capture that all.

Goodnight, then.

p.s.- Chris wrote me today saying how badly he wants to just be able to hang with me 2 to 3 times a week, chilling out and just talking with some good music on in the background.  There’s a man I wish more than anything that I could do the same with.  Fuck that ocean that separates us.  Haha.. and I have to include that the kid has no problem admitting he wants so badly to be related to me.  Now that’s raditude.

Strength.

For the first time in who knows how long I listened to the song We’re All In the Dance by Feist.  Sure enough, the only thing I can think of is the night Harriet and I watched Paris, Je’taime together.  The truth is I’d really upset her that night.  It was over something stupid, something I really don’t feel the need to write about.  But the fact that I upset her isn’t what I’m remembering the most.  What’s hitting me so hard is us being in her basement, wrapped up together, watching a movie.  That right there was perfection to me- it still is.  Being able to spend every day with her doing awesome things or doing mundane things all rocked so hard.  And over the weekend I started thinking like… I need to stop yearning for what once was.  She lived here before, now she doesn’t, stop wishing for it back with every tossed penny into a fountain.  But what I’m realizing now is that just because those memories are in the past absolutely does not mean those times can’t happen.  They surely happened over the summer when we were together.  One of my latest favorite memories is us watching HIMYM together episode after episode, being tangled in each other’s limbs, laughing right along.  And the point I’m trying to make is that when I miss Harriet, I’m not missing something that’s gone and never coming back.  Just because I think supremely fondly over the times we had while she lived here, the memories we’ve accumulated while being apart have been grander, more intimate, and totally more epic.  Nothing beats stealing away to my house for a weekend alone during Valentine’s Day or living together for over a week in Winter, or driving to Galveston only to get crabs, or going to see blink-182 together, or sushi hopping in New Orleans- the list goes fuckin on and on.  I guess it’s just really hard looking back on this past summer and recent memories because it makes me wonder where the hell all that went.  Even looking back to three weeks ago when I’d get a call daily and texts that say “I’m thinking about you.”  Where’d that all go?  And I’m so so terribly afraid of losing it, because every time we see each other, it always gets proven so ridiculously hard that we’re meant for each other.  I even said that to her at the airport and she knew it was the most truthful statement I would ever make in my whole life.  What I feel and have for Harriet isn’t just something you accept is done and get over.  This is the girl you fight for and don’t let go because only God knows where the other one might be, IF she even exists.

People always tell girls that when they find a nice guy, hold onto him– don’t let him go.  But what about when you find a girl who likes the Pillows?  And Fooly Cooly?  And all things Asian?  Or the girl who has the same dreams as you as far as starting a family?  Or the girl who cooks you soup and watches The Animatrix with you while you’re sick?  Or the girl who would see the Foo Fighters with you just because she knows how much it means to you?  Ahem.  Do I need to keep going?

Coming from a person who can write off others like its his job, when I say I want to keep fighting and waiting on Harriet… ya gotta believe me when I say it’s all worth it.  And the honest truth is, lately I’ve been feeling pretty defeated in this whole matter.  I haven’t really been sure of the proper courses of action to take.  But as long as simple reminders keep telling me how amazing she is, I’ll keep finding the strength somewhere to continue on.

This is me finding that strength.

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