End of the Office.

***SPOILER ALERT***

I just finished Season 5 of the Office, bringing me fully up to date with the series.  It was one heck of a quick ride, ploughing through all those episodes.

Hah, I’m trying to get my words out properly here but I just can’t do it.  I’m not in a very writer-y mood.  Here’s the skinny of what I’m trying to say: Pam ends up finding out that she’s pregnant in the very last moments of the last episode and the way Jim and her react together is nothing but sweet.  And I don’t mean the sweet as in like, “dude, that is so rad!”  I mean, sweet like a second grader offering his female crush a handful of picked dandelions at recess.  The way Jim reacts is nothing short of how I’ll react and whenever I see stuff like that, I freak out on the inside and just get lost in my own daydreams.  That’s why I loved Away We Go and Marley & Me.  That’s why I got caught up in HIMYM so quickly and even the Office.  When I can see myself in something, I get attached quickly.  When I see Harriet and I in something, I get attached even quicker.  And that ending to Season 5 of the Office was just a smile and a half for me.  I think I squealed a tiny bit out of joy.

Things are really tough right now… that’s all I’m going to say.  But that big picture is still nice and bright.  When I see my wedding day… or the mother of my children… or just the rest of my life flying by…  There’s still only one person who absolutely has to be there through it all.  And no matter what we’re going through right now, I just know she’s going to be there in the end.

Her handwriting on my mug even says so.

Strength.

For the first time in who knows how long I listened to the song We’re All In the Dance by Feist.  Sure enough, the only thing I can think of is the night Harriet and I watched Paris, Je’taime together.  The truth is I’d really upset her that night.  It was over something stupid, something I really don’t feel the need to write about.  But the fact that I upset her isn’t what I’m remembering the most.  What’s hitting me so hard is us being in her basement, wrapped up together, watching a movie.  That right there was perfection to me- it still is.  Being able to spend every day with her doing awesome things or doing mundane things all rocked so hard.  And over the weekend I started thinking like… I need to stop yearning for what once was.  She lived here before, now she doesn’t, stop wishing for it back with every tossed penny into a fountain.  But what I’m realizing now is that just because those memories are in the past absolutely does not mean those times can’t happen.  They surely happened over the summer when we were together.  One of my latest favorite memories is us watching HIMYM together episode after episode, being tangled in each other’s limbs, laughing right along.  And the point I’m trying to make is that when I miss Harriet, I’m not missing something that’s gone and never coming back.  Just because I think supremely fondly over the times we had while she lived here, the memories we’ve accumulated while being apart have been grander, more intimate, and totally more epic.  Nothing beats stealing away to my house for a weekend alone during Valentine’s Day or living together for over a week in Winter, or driving to Galveston only to get crabs, or going to see blink-182 together, or sushi hopping in New Orleans- the list goes fuckin on and on.  I guess it’s just really hard looking back on this past summer and recent memories because it makes me wonder where the hell all that went.  Even looking back to three weeks ago when I’d get a call daily and texts that say “I’m thinking about you.”  Where’d that all go?  And I’m so so terribly afraid of losing it, because every time we see each other, it always gets proven so ridiculously hard that we’re meant for each other.  I even said that to her at the airport and she knew it was the most truthful statement I would ever make in my whole life.  What I feel and have for Harriet isn’t just something you accept is done and get over.  This is the girl you fight for and don’t let go because only God knows where the other one might be, IF she even exists.

People always tell girls that when they find a nice guy, hold onto him– don’t let him go.  But what about when you find a girl who likes the Pillows?  And Fooly Cooly?  And all things Asian?  Or the girl who has the same dreams as you as far as starting a family?  Or the girl who cooks you soup and watches The Animatrix with you while you’re sick?  Or the girl who would see the Foo Fighters with you just because she knows how much it means to you?  Ahem.  Do I need to keep going?

Coming from a person who can write off others like its his job, when I say I want to keep fighting and waiting on Harriet… ya gotta believe me when I say it’s all worth it.  And the honest truth is, lately I’ve been feeling pretty defeated in this whole matter.  I haven’t really been sure of the proper courses of action to take.  But as long as simple reminders keep telling me how amazing she is, I’ll keep finding the strength somewhere to continue on.

This is me finding that strength.

A Blog About Love.

“It’s a long story, and complicated to boot, but.. just, thanks for the encouragement with the ****  thing. We’re really finally coming into our own as a couple (and trust me, it has NOT been an easy road… we’ve been togetherish for fourth months, only four DAYS of which we’ve been able to spend together), and it’s… the most. I know the last part of that sentence is missing a noun, but that’s intentional. It is the most. It doesn’t require a noun. I think you must have some idea of what I mean. You’ve been in love before. You ARE in love. You know. It’s the most. No other words needed. The most. The end. I know we must be doing something right because every time he says “I love you,” or calls, or even just enters my thoughts, my heart goes WHOOSH. I never really thought I was the “falling in love” type, but… this is divine. This is love, I know it. So thanks for recognizing that potential and nudging me towards it, even though it’s difficult to be apart and feel this much. It’s worth it. He’s worth it.”

This is an e-mail I received from a friend of mine about a certain person special to her heart.  And I broadcast it for the shear reason that it’s beautiful.  Hearing about happy couples, stories about love flourishing- it brings me joy.

哀話世界の周りです。

Love actually is all around.

A common mindset that people adopted when they entered college is that everything needs to be grounded in reality.  If there is a time when people look at their dreams and go, “Yup… that’s all they are,” it’s when they get into college.  And there’s not even some great event that happens.  There’s just a stigma to living life on one’s own and it throws his/her perspective on its side and leaves a person feeling different.  One typical sentiment so many people I know have come to share is that they forget about the power of love.  Love has stopped making the world turn for so many people because they think that good grades which will lead to a good job in 4+ years is what’s going to sustain them (among other various reasons).  But from the background I have, I know that love is something everyone needs, and if you have it?  You don’t abandon it, you embrace it harder than you ever have when times get tough.  So when anyone dear to me has come to me seeking help with their life, I’ve stayed true to the fact that they need to stay true to the most special person in it.  Whether it’s been a family member, a lover, or a friend, it’s all about holding the person you love the most as humanly close to your heart as possible.  Since entering college I’ve see tons of breakups lead only to confusion and emptiness.  And shortly after the departure, a reconciliation almost always happens, because the two people realize that the love they share isn’t meant to be pushed away, it’s meant to be embraced.

Love is a fucking hard road to tread.  It’s so hard because the urgency of two hearts longing to be one is some of the most excruciating pain a person can go through- finding the confidence and the strength to continue on sometimes feels impossible.  But what I always like to say is… just remember that you’re feeling that pain.  If you feel that pain for a person you adore- imagine how heavy that heart will feel without that person?  And on the upside, that grief is beautiful.  Your soul is so connected with another’s that it hurts.  That’s how hard you are loving.

It’s okay to “need” someone.  By lending your life to the hands of another, you are not being weak or pathetic.  You’re just being human.  We all need someone to lean on and it’s stupid to think we might not.  In the e-mail above, you’re reading the account of a girl who never thought “falling in love” was for her… you’re reading the account of probably the toughest, most independent girl I know… yet here she is experiencing her first true love in college and is willingly holding onto it with every single odd stacked against her.  And it’s all because she’s just being honest with herself and knows that when her love is in any way a part of her life, it’s the happiest she can possibly be.  And while maybe the time’s when he’s away it means it’s the saddest times of her life, she understands that true love is not something that just happens nor is true love something to just shrug off.  True love is something to fight for and something that cannot be replaced.  What’s more is that love comes with cute texts some mornings that say, “I dreamt of you last night.”  Love comes with phone calls that let you discuss anime tv shows like FLCL because no one else seems to enjoy it.  Love comes with the warmth of someone always being there to hold your hand and kiss your cold nose.  Love comes with tickle fights and a spilled hot tea that was made just for you.  Love comes with a permanent movie-watching partner and a food critic always eager to try new things.  Love comes with an attractive Indiana Jones prepared to always go on adventures.

Love comes with a partner for life that can make your circle become full.

Regardless of who you are, love makes everyone’s world turn.  I am 100% confident in that.  That’s how powerful it is.  If you’re feeling empty, if you’re feeling sad, if you’re feeling confused, afflicted, distressed, stressed, messed, or ANYTHING.  Let the love in.  Call a friend to say hi, text your girlfriend that you miss her, Skype with parents just to see their faces.  I know I’m jumping around here talking about all different sorts of love- from platonic to paternal to romantic- but it’s all love… and it’s all going to make you feel wonderful.  In my opinion it’s the romantic love that really fills you up the most… but love is love.  It feels fucking awesome no matter where you get it or how intense it is.

The Beatles didn’t totally nail it…  You need more than just love in your life.  You need a lot more.  But you wanna know something?  You still need love.

Embraceable You (thoughts to jazz piano).

I miss slow dancing in the basement.
And driving through the night listening to Nightmare of You after a nice dinner.
And lying to everyone about where I was when the only place I could be found was in the arms of another.
And falling asleep to a sweet “Goodnight” and waking up to lovely morning sentiments.

And sneaking in kisses when no one was looking.
And stealing little kisses when everyone was looking.

And holding hands just to make it through the halls.
And leaving notes just to prove I care.

And watching movies only to not watch at all.
And laughing when maybe there was nothing there to laugh at.

And staring stupidly because the words won’t come.
And gazing deeply because I didn’t need to say anything at all.

And cuddling in backseats because driving home would just take too long.
And skipping school because in reality, we were just that cool.

And singing along to songs that said everything we felt.
And making whispered confessions because we just wanted the other to know.

And walking in to parties only to steal the show.
And hosting parties because we are the show.

And daydreaming about our wedding.
And smiling endlessly about all the adventures we’d have.

あなたとふたりでいきてゆきたい。

Smile With Me Now.

This weekend has already rekindled a certain amount of excitement in me for something I haven’t discussed in quite some time.  Like I always used to, I’m now in a constant state of daydreaming about the future.  Why do so many blogs and so many thoughts of mine dwell on what hasn’t happened yet?  Because it fucking excites me!!  Sure, I make the most of my life now and I have a great fucking time every single day.  But man.  I cannot wait to be done with college and start a chapter of my life I have been waiting upon for so so long.

It all started on the train when Erik, Joe, and I were talking about having kids and how we’d shirk our responsibilities to make decisions for them by telling them to “Go ask Uncle Steve,” who then might say, “Don’t do that or you’ll end up like Uncle Joe!”  Fuck yeah I wanna be able to do that.  I wanna visit my friends with my kids and I totally want to meet my friends’ kids.  It’ll blow my mind to see little Johnny Nowobilski’s running around and you know I want to be a bad influence on Melinda’s children.

Then when I got in the car and there was Isabelle and Ariel… gosh.  It just melted my heart down to nothing.  I love interacting with Isabelle, watching her be all shifty with me and stealing smiles at me.  But then this was the huge point in my day where I happily freaked out.  For the first time in years I held a baby today.  For whatever reason I took it upon myself to watch over Ariel and when I lifted her out of her car seat a sensation I’ve never felt shot through me.  It was completely one of happiness and comfort.  I held her thinking, “Gosh… I can’t wait for this to be my kid.”  I talked to her… made her laugh… made her feel wanted.  You can bet I’ll make it my life goal to just be the best dad in the absolute world.  And what’s more is that the whole time I felt this and interacted with the kids, I wanted to tell Harriet.  And when she called and I got the chance to, hearing her laugh joyfully on the other end saying, “Can you wait like four years?” left me speechless.  I didn’t know what to say because every bit of me went on lockdown and froze on the thought of having children with her.  And that’s what makes all these thoughts the most wonderful: the idea of sharing it all with Harriet.  That girl is so much more than just a girlfriend or a lover- she’s everything to me.  I look at her and see all the scattered pieces of my life coming together to form a beautiful mural that has every part of my life worked out perfectly.  I see a beautiful wife, a dutiful mother- I see the “World’s Greatest” everything when I look at her.  And that’s why I’m so fucking excited for the future.  Because from where I’m standing, the view is so incredible and I would trade it for nothing else.

I basically crave love.  That’s all it boils down to.  And I crave it from the family I refer to as “my wife and kids.”  That’s just who I am… it’s just how I operate.

I can’t wait for just a couple more years to pass.  I want this all far too much to ever let it slip through my fingers.  Just as I want to be the perfect father, I want to be the perfect husband- the perfect lover and I will always give the love I am apart of with Harriet my greatest effort.  And I can do it unwaveringly… because it all comes so goddamned easily. :-)

Goodnight, world.  Smile with me now.

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