Freedom. I don’t have any. I don’t have any real freedom, it seems. Not to be able to do what I want to do. There’s a lot right now I’d love to complain about… but the biggest problem is my freedom. I just told mom the Martinek’s invited me over to spend the day with them. Her response was, “The whole day?” “Yeah. And stay for dinner.” “Stay for dinner? THat’s an awful long time.” She proceeded to mention how she needs to now call Mrs. Martinek to make sure it’s okay + find out exxactly where I’m driving to because it’s “so far/uncharted territory.” So that’s retarded. I’m 18 years old. You know as well as I do how retarded that is. But here’s the real problem with this: I can’t have my mom call because I was over at the Martinek’s yesterday for a FAMILY PARTY from 3:20-9 o’clock. I’m not gonna have mrs. martinek lie about me to my mom… that’s not the impression I want at all. So now I just don’t know what to do as far as going over to the Martinek’s.
Gosh. I didn’t even try to make a good impression, i was just myself at that party and they all absolutely adored me: everyone in that family loves me. And I mean loves me. Erik wanted to sit next to me. Monika was always asking me if I needed something and seeking my attention. The grandpa told me I gave him hope for humanity. I didn’t feel threatened by the father one bit, in fact, I liked him a whole lot and I think the feeling’s mutual. I dunno. My thoughts are fucking everywhere. Point is… I’m not doing well right now. I feel out of place in my own home. I only feel safe in my room. Even in the comfort of my basement it just isn’t really comfort… it doesn’t feel right for me. I feel like I’m somewhere I don’t belong. I can’t wait to be out of here.
Ready Steady Go
July 13, 2008 at 8:30 pm (emotions)
Tags: harriet, martinek, mom
Search For Your Own Flava
May 27, 2008 at 10:59 pm (emotions)
Tags: fights, harriet, mom, sleeping, walking
Life was amazing. Then it got SUPER shitty. I mean, walking the streets of wheaton at night barefoot because you stormed out of your house, shitty. Then there was a bunch of other shitty stuff that happeneed. But all in all… life just got super awesome again. Life is always fluctuating for me… Just gotta roll with the highs and the lows.
p.s.- there’s nowhere more comfortable than resting on Harriet’s chest.
Smiling Nice
May 20, 2008 at 6:16 am (life)
Tags: appearances, arguing, clothing, compliments, fighting, harriet, mom, school, sun, transparent veil
Yesterday was a great day. I got to wear something nice to school and for the first time all year I felt comfortable in my own skin. I got compliments left and right: Lauren, Stacia, Brent, Melinda, Pat, and Harriet I know all made comments. And yesterday after school when I looked Harriet I swear I’d never found her more attractive in my life. She hadn’t done anything special besides wear a dress- but I see her in those almost every weekend! It’s just that I’m so fucking in love that her beauty is radiating hardcore. But then things took a turn for the worst: my mom had started freaking out at me… but by assessing the situation and knowing that she felt very week, I walked into my house and stood tall, acting bold and powerful and I won the debacle in a clear victory. That felt great. And then Zeph put my drums in a weird position that I tried using too… and it owned me. I loved his new set up! So that was exciting. And I’m also doing up this treatment for Transparent Veil today with Harriet and I can’t fucking WAIT!!!! LOOK AT THOSE EXCLAMATION MARKS! That’s how pumped I am. Oh man, I really can’t wait to see Harriet today. It’s gonna be perfect. Just like every day with her. I almost want to just go to school so I can see her… but truth be told, the earlier I get there the more bored I am. There’s nothing really for me to do there until the bell rings. Cuz yeah- she doesn’t even appear until the bell rings. I hope the sun comes out today: I need it for my video. But I’m not gonna let the sun stop me from filming… I can get “key” sun shots later…
Okay, I’ll finish getting ready now. Bye.
tuesdayyys
April 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm (emotions)
Tags: harriet, mom, PMS, sickness, sputnik sweetheart
Ugh. I hate the end of the month. It seems all my mom knows how to do is bitch about everything. Seeing as how her and I operate on totally different ideals and methods to begin with, dealing with her PMS is straight up difficult. It’s like a lightswitch too. Her personality just changes so instantly and dramatically.
So I’m sick. Got it from Harriet. She’s a bit sick too. It seems neither of us are very lively around each other because of it. Aka, I want to get better like… now. I’m really tired lately too… I wonder if it’s because I keep waking up so early/ I guess I really don’t sleep on the weekends…
Whatever. I’m just gonna read. I’m not in the mood to do much of anything…
Good Vibes
February 27, 2008 at 7:18 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: age, health, mom, rules, sickness
There’s so much beauty in my life…
I can feel it stronger today than I’ve felt it in a long time.
I feel a bit overwhelmed with the work I’m going to have to make up… but I think I can do it all if I just take it easy. I’m especially worried about deficiencies… am I getting any? How many? Will they be affecting my social life because mom wants to punish me for sucking? That last bit is the only reason I care about deficiencies. I just want to always be free. I want to be the sole commander of my life and let no one tell me what to do. My gosh, if I had no boundaries set up for me by my parents, my life would be ten times the great adventure it already is. I’d have no reason to be at home ever… I’d always be off at other people’s houses, seeing movies, going places… the only reason why I ever go home after school is because I have to. Because I need to “study”. My thought is… I don’t study in the first place, so why do I need to be home? At least let me have people over then. Allow me to just live my life the way I desire without you asking questions! Whenever I say, “Well ’so and so’ never has to do that,” or whatever, mom’s response is always, “It’s cuz his parents don’t care about him.” Who is she to fucking judge? Just because parents give their kids freedom does not mean they don’t care. Maybe it means they care enough to treat them like adults. In fact, I’m quite excited about turning 18. I’m a legal adult. Granted, I’ll still follow my parents’ rules and stuff… but there are going to be some factors in my life that can change because it’s just like, “Okay, Stephen’s not 15 anymore… I’m 18. An adult. about to graduate.”
*sigh*
This blog is pointless. As are most of my posts.
Wish me luck with today. Although I’m very optimistic for it all, I’ve still got a bit of worry in the back of my head.
