So I’m wayyy too tired to try writing… but I’ve officially gotta say something before I forget these thoughts.
Nick and I aren’t talking right now. Whether he meant it this way or not, here’s why Nick and I aren’t talking: he said something along the lines of, “Being with Apollo’s Dream and Appastar is an okay excuse to not hang out with me. Being with Harriet isn’t.” Before we could really talk the situation over, he just signed off the internet and we haven’t spoken since. And I really don’t care to try it out either… If he’s going to be immature like that and start getting jealous… then shit, I’m sorry, how can I be best friends with someone if he won’t support me and my decisions? I still see Nick rather often. I still talk to him every day at school and online. Where’s the problem?
It started a while back. I noticed him definitely getting jealous of me and my life (note, whether or not all this info is true, I don’t know, but it sure seems as such). I have two successful bands. I’m musically gifted. Got an amazing girlfriend. I’m a talented writer. I’ve got visions that know no bounds… I really do feel Nick started to envy me. Some of his comments and actions led me to believe so. Now that all my time is occupied with either Harriet or my bands… I guess it hurts him too much. And I understand completely… I really do. But at the same time… he just doesn’t get it. He’s always pushing “our” band Devil Rapist on me, and I keep trying to get the point across that it’s not working out and it never will. We both like different kinds of music and I totally don’t play the kind of music he likes. And he keeps telling me to listen to the stuff and learn it and we can have an awesome band! But… I don’t want to. I’m not going to change my musical stylings and preferences to suit a band I have zero drive to do anything with. Appastar and Apollo’s Dream. THat’s it. Even Romancing the Angels is totally on the backburner cuz I’m so busy. And like, the more he pushes DR on me and all of the differences in our personalities, the more I just see no need to see him. We really are drifting apart… and now Nick just made the separation that much more dramatic and fast.
What Nick doesn’t get and what Nick couldn’t hear because he signed off… was that Harriet does mean more to me than him. It will devastate him to know this… and I’m going to tell him if it ever comes up… But shit. it’s obvious. Harriet and I have way more in common. we have way better times. Nick and mine’s friendship thrived on one thing: we were both real. we always told the truth and said what was on our mind’s. But now there’s someone in my life who provides such a better foundation for friendship. The second Harriet and I met you knew there was something special happening. And what Nick never saw was that even like, Allen, chris, and Tim are better friends. I just never see them. And he’s always ragging on John that he can’t see that I love the kid. And I don’t think he realizes how much I adore Glenn, either.
There’s the biggest problem of our friendship: it seems that Nick never took the time to realize that there are other people in my life. And when he goes ahead and blames our troubled times on Harriet… that’s such a low blow. I have said “no” to him so many times on account of so many other people. Why is it that Harriet is the only person that bothers him? Even when I was supposed to be spending the day with Harriet once, I stopped over at Nick’s house to see him… to spend some time with him. I guess that meant nothing to him…
I dunno, I’ve done so much for this friendship. I have stood by this kid through when he temporarily lost his best friend and I stood by him when he told me about his aspirations to do great things with his life. If he wants to treat me this way, then so be it. Because if he wants to talk this over, I will. But according to last night… and for however long this has been bothering him… he doesn’t.
Nick also needs to think about people like Vicky, Tayler, and Jimmy. People who openly tell me they love me yet they can’t even reach out and give me a hug. What about Syed and Derek? We’re like brothers and I rarely see them. How about Will? I never see him. All these people love me… yet we are hardly together or never together. And nick’s bent outta shape because I don’t see him every weekend like I used to? Because I won’t spend more than four hours with him? The kid needs some perspective right now.
So yeah. There are my thoughts on the matter. A little shocking and sometimes way too honest? Definitely.
But that’s where Nick and mine’s friendship started… so will my honesty now be the thing that ends it? Or will it be the thing that brings clarity to this cloudy mess?
I suppose we’ll find out if we ever get a chance to discuss things. Because I’d like to.
