Lobotomy for Dummies

May 6, 2009 at 7:16 am (life)
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Wow.  First note: panera’s wi-fi is so slow today!  It’s aggravating.  But okay, yeah!  Here I am at Panera on Wednesday before Prod 2 again.  I loved it so much last week I decided to come on back.  It’s the perfect way to get going before such an early class.  I’ve got my coffee, some ALO playing, and a whole lot of thoughts… shall we begin?

—Okay- I just started writing up a blog and didn’t like it.  I’m just gonna make a list of my thoughts and explain as necessary.

1. ALO is a really freaking good band.  I wish more people knew of them.  They’re such an amazing summer band and I’ve got so many warm memories of their music playing during amazing moments in my life.  If any song can make me smile so big, it’s their song, “Try.”  It’s the most perfect optimist song.  Then of course there’s “Girl, I Wanna Lay You Down,” which is no doubt going to be played at my wedding.  Zach Gill is one awesome pianist and his voice is just as awesomely unique.

2. I’m no longer a musical elitist.  The change happened quite a ways back, but I’ve never really said anything.  Music falls into three lists for me: what I LISTEN to… what I can enjoy… and what I don’t like.  The list of music that I listen to is very short- it’s limited to >8,000 songs at this point.  But what I can sit down and enjoy is massive.  Lately I’ve been even listening to country music without having any qualms.  I’ve come to really appreciate every genre of music.  I even heard a Justin Timberlake song and enjoyed it immensely!  So any jabs at me being a musical dick need to stop.  I’m done with that. :-p

3. I’m finally no longer sick!  After spending yesterday like, exclusively outdoors doing homework and lying down on a bench, I think I really just detoxed the hell out of my body.

4. I love a good hero.  After seeing Wolverine and Zorro be men of morals and stand up only for what is right, it’s made me forget how nice it is to see that in the movies.  Makes me want to be a better person, myself.

5. I can still walk into a room and light it up.

6. I could not be more excited for Manifest- it’s kind of all I think about right now.  If you knew what the Window Theatre has in store you’d be pumped as hell too.  But I’m torturing myself by not telling ANYONE what’s going down and encouraging everyone to come see us.  Once it’s done I’ll be able to focus on other things for a change. haha

7. I talked to Harriet yesterday.  There’s so much I could say on the matter… but there are only two things I want to really care about: a) I loved hearing her voice.  It made me feel light. and b) My last words to her were ones of sincere love and that’s how I wanted it.

8. I aced my BAS term paper.  That made me feel so great.  I even got “Outstanding paper- excellent music choices!” under the comments section.

9.- I got numerous comments on my appearance yesterday.  It felt really, really good to be noticed.  Especially by my friends.. people who see me every day even taking a moment to tell me I look nice.

10. In the end it’s all about having faith.  There are times in your life where you just have to accept your powerless and you can’t control what’s going to happen.  I’m building an arsenal of faith and am going to continue bringing the awesome on a daily basis in liberal spoonfuls.

p.s.- go download the song Lobotomy for Dummies by Zebrahead.  You’ll enjoy it immensely.

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Day Two

May 11, 2008 at 1:38 pm (emotions)
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I thought I knew fully well what i was going to be doing with my life.  Since 6th grade I’ve been forming ideas and always having some general idea of what it is exactly I want to do with myself.  I thought I knew what I wanted to do two days ago.  I thought I knew what I wanted to do yesterday morning…  But between last night and now… I don’t know what I want to do anymore.  I’m… a little lost.  The only facet I’m sure of is that I want to be with Harriet.  That’s my only desire at this point.

I’m still gonna make music.  I’m still gonna write.  I’m still gonna dream.  But I’m losing the drive to have a plan.  I’m really not all that excited about columbia anymore.  Dropping everything and just seeing the world with Harriet sounds so much more inviting.  and I’m not just fantasizing right now…  That’s a legitimate plan I’d go through with if she was willing.  Get a job for a year, saving up and saving up… then just going.  Taking my chances in the world.  i dunno. my love for her is a little overwhelming.  It’s so overwhelming because… it’s all reciprocated.  I feel it, too. 

Gah.  I feel sick.  Need to get out… but don’t know how.  It’s too cold and nowhere to go.  

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tuesdayyys

April 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm (emotions)
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Ugh. I hate the end of the month.  It seems all my mom knows how to do is bitch about everything.  Seeing as how her and I operate on totally different ideals and methods to begin with, dealing with her PMS is straight up difficult.  It’s like a lightswitch too.  Her personality just changes so instantly and dramatically.

So I’m sick.  Got it from Harriet.  She’s a bit sick too.  It seems neither of us are very lively around each other because of it.  Aka, I want to get better like… now.  I’m really tired lately too…  I wonder if it’s because I keep waking up so early/ I guess I really don’t sleep on the weekends…

Whatever.  I’m just gonna read.  I’m not in the mood to do much of anything… 

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Good Vibes

February 27, 2008 at 7:18 am (Uncategorized)
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There’s so much beauty in my life…

I can feel it stronger today than I’ve felt it in a long time.

I feel a bit overwhelmed with the work I’m going to have to make up… but I think I can do it all if I just take it easy.  I’m especially worried about deficiencies… am I getting any?  How many?  Will they be affecting my social life because mom wants to punish me for sucking?  That last bit is the only reason I care about deficiencies.  I just want to always be free.  I want to be the sole commander of my life and let no one tell me what to do.  My gosh, if I had no boundaries set up for me by my parents, my life would be ten times the great adventure it already is.  I’d have no reason to be at home ever…  I’d always be off at other people’s houses, seeing movies, going places… the only reason why I ever go home after school is because I have to.  Because I need to “study”.  My thought is… I don’t study in the first place, so why do I need to be home?  At least let me have people over then.  Allow me to just live my life the way I desire without you asking questions!  Whenever I say, “Well ’so and so’ never has to do that,” or whatever, mom’s response is always, “It’s cuz his parents don’t care about him.”  Who is she to fucking judge?  Just because parents give their kids freedom does not mean they don’t care.  Maybe it means they care enough to treat them like adults.  In fact, I’m quite excited about turning 18.  I’m a legal adult.  Granted, I’ll still follow my parents’ rules and stuff… but there are going to be some factors in my life that can change because it’s just like, “Okay, Stephen’s not 15 anymore… I’m 18. An adult. about to graduate.”

*sigh*

This blog is pointless.  As are most of my posts. 

Wish me luck with today.  Although I’m very optimistic for it all, I’ve still got a bit of worry in the back of my head.

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The Complaintor

February 26, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)
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I haven’t felt like myself for the past few days now.  Friday i was beaming with joy after such a wonderful day!… but you never wouldda known because I was so sick and exhausted- the best I could do was talk in a low tone and give a smile that made you want to believe I truly was happy.  Saturday was the same deal: I went to the movies with Dad, spent the afternoon with Harriet, and went to dinner with Steven… but it was so hard to show that I really was content, that I was happy.  Sitting in Harriet’s room watching her finger through old art samples and works was quite interesting to watch… but I’ll tell ya, it was so hard to look engaged because I was so focused on breathing properly and ignoring the pains in my head.  Sunday came… and it was better.  But that night took a huge turn for the worse, sadly.  And then yesterday I was such a recluse, so alone.  Harriet, God bless her soul, stopped by, though.  I loved that.  I couldn’t say much.  I really was pretty sick.  But I loved seeing her.  Yet… the problem is still there: I wasn’t myself.  And now today, the second day off from school and the fourth day away from people… I feel so detached.  I feel rather alone.  I mean, it’s no one’s fault.  Not even mine, really.  I have to stay home or Logos this weekend is gonna be hell (being sick during a retreat doesn’t sound good to me…).  But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel incredibly alone.

I really do miss being with those whom I love.  Today I contemplated going to school merely because I wanted to see Harriet.  I didn’t realize how much I value seeing her within school until yesterday happened… and now staying home today happened.  It’s kinda like the first time I discovered how much I value her…

Rather quickly we got into a routine of walking together from lunch to 7th period when we first became friends.  We’d then always talk a little bit after school too.  Every day it was like this.  But the day she was gone… when she went away to England for a week… I realized just how much I missed seeing her and talking to her.  Without really knowing it, I’d become quite attached.  Now here I am realizing it yet again…  I guess I take it for granted that I see her every day at school.  Well, no… I don’t take it for granted.  But I guess up until today, I didn’t realize how much I enjoy it.

Yeah.  That’s it.

But yeah.  It seems I write about Harriet often, don’t I?
I suppose it’s fitting.  She’s absolutely wonderful towards me.  Who was there for me almost every day when I couldn’t leave the house because of my toe?  She was.  Who has asked me a hundred times “how are you feeling” since I first mentioned being sick on friday?  She has.  Who visited me yesterday after school? She did.  Who has seen Appastar, Apollo’s Dream, AND Romancing the Angels live?  She has.  She has been everything I need in a partner and so much more.  I don’t toss around the word “love”.  I save it for the people who I actually mean it with.  And I try and tell Harriet every day that I love her. 

Well, I’m taking a while to write this blog, so my thoughts keep changing and stuff… I feel really good right now.  The baby my mom was watching is gone (thus she’s done crying her head off cuz she hates her formula) and I’m ensured a good lunch since mom will go out for me and I’ll be getting Patapon and the Darjeeling Limited (I think?), so rock on!

I dunno, I just really really need to rest today and configure my life.  It got a little disorganized over the weekend thanks to being so out of it…

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